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The Ballad of Tractor John
8/1/2014: John has been declared legally dead four times, not
counting this final one. He has, as a part of this, attended his own funeral on
two separate occasions including one where he performed the duties of
pallbearer.
8/3/2014: Tractor John's exploits are so legendary and fantastic that portions of his life are the basis for several popular pieces of fiction. These include, but are not limited to, Die Hard, Smokey and the Bandit, Knight Rider, and of course the fifth, eighth, and tenth Doctor.
8/4/2014: Tractor John’s fantastic facial hair has been a constant part of his character. He has never been seen with out his full beard and handlebar mustache, since he grew them. It all started on the morning of his birth, when he spontaneously grew them in response to his face becoming cold in the hospital. Since then, it has resisted all attempts to remove, destroying numerous barbers clippers, razors, and scissors; it has even in one instance caused a hair removal laser to overheat and destroy itself. By the time he was one, his mother abandoned her attempts to remove the beard and accepted her son’s magnificent facial hair as a fact of life.
8/5/2014: Due to a wandering youth spent moving around and experiencing adventures untold, Tractor John has never graduated high school, something he deeply regretted to his dying day. In spite of this, he has received eight honorary doctorates from various colleges around the world. These degrees range in subject as diverse as law enforcement, counter terrorism, culinary, medical, and the literary sciences.
8/6/2014: John is an accomplished toothpick spitter and can employ not only range but accuracy. He can clear fifty yards and hit a regulation dart board full center. To date he has only been bested by one person, thirteen year old Becky Jones of Yellowsprings Ohio, who was able to accurately spit a toothpick a full three yards farther, a skill she claims to have mastered in the scouts.
8/7/2014: It is widely accepted that the expression the immovable object meets the unstoppable force is in fact a reference to an arm wrestling match between Tractor John and Chuck Norris that took place in the mid eighties. The match lasted for six days before both men forfeited to intervene when a man nearby slapped his girlfriend. At the writing of this the man is just now reached a physical condition where he is able to relearning walking.
8/8/2014: Tractor John was an avid car collector. He was however often criticized for his collection choices. Tractor John kept, maintained, and restored the largest collection of vintage AMC Gremlins. The Gremlin was his first car, and John had such fond memories, that he decided to save as many of them as he could from junk yards the world over. The prize of his collection was a lime green 1973 Gremlin with all original factory parts.
8/9/2014: Tractor John is an avid fan of the Olympic Games. As such, he has attended every Olympics since 1972. His dogged determination to attend has led to a few interesting hurdles. In 1984 he was able to attend to the Los Angeles games despite being included on a no fly list. He made the Barcelona games in 1992 and the Athens games in 2004 despite being sought for arrest in both countries. The biggest problem was in 2006 when he was only able to attend the Turin games after escaping from a maximum security federal prison in Bucharest.
8/10/2014: No stranger to playing the hero, Tractor John has been called to action many times. In the early 1970’s Tractor John and his brother Chopper Dale were working as plumbers in the Bronx when a gorilla escaped from the local zoo. The beast kidnapped a local reporter and made off with the young woman into the sewers near where Tractor John and Chopper Dale were doing some work for the city. On hearing the woman’s cries for help the two immediately set off to lend a hand. They tracked the gorilla through the sewers and finally cornered him on top of a skyscraper that was in the middle of being constructed. With quick wits and lightning fast reflexes they were able to save the young woman. Afterwards, the event was immortalized in a then popular video game. After the event Chopper Dale and the young woman were married. The gorilla was returned to the zoo where it lives happily with a wife, three children, eleven grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren.
8/11/2014: Tractor John spent three years hunting Somali pirates where his exploits reached legendary proportions. The tales of his outrageous plans and daring raids reached such a fevered pitch that it caused quite a debate when the Disney film Pirates of the Caribbean were released. There were two distinct schools of thought that evolved over this. On one hand, many felt that Tractor John’s unconventional plans and daring sense of fashion were the inspiration. Alternately, many felt that his caring manner, merciful demeanor, and selfless sense of honor were in fact the basis for Will Turner. Of course, both groups were incorrect as Tractor John was in fact the inspiration for Elizabeth Swan for reasons that have never been given by the films writers.
8/12/2014: Tractor John is a well known baseball player. In the mid 80’s he spent time playing on several different teams including a six months stint as a left fielder for two different teams simultaneously. He was forced by the commissioner to resign his positions when both teams made it to the World Series and would have to play each other. It was decided that Tractor John stepping down was a better solution than him playing both offense and defense at the same time. This decision was arrived at when during that year’s All-Star game he tagged himself out in the third inning.
8/13/2014: Tractor John has the distinction of having been awarded a world record. He is recorded as the only person to be arrested in all fifty of the United States and the District of Columbia. While initially this sounds bad, for the most part he was only arrested for drunken disorderly in most cases. There were three instances of more serious crimes, and two instances of loitering. The hardest instance was the last arrest that took place in D.C. where he was simply trying to complete the set. After weeks of trying to get arrested for various crimes and being let off with a warning and the explanation of, “if we arrested people for that every Senator would be in jail,” he was finally arrested for littering when a police officer slipped on a banana peel that had simply missed the waste basket.
8/14/2014: Tractor John is an accomplished dancer and has been asked to perform on several series that focus on dancing. Unfortunately, due to several outstanding warrants, he was advised not to appear on any of them. A piece of advice he still follows.
8/15/2014: Tractor John is an avid gamer and was one of the first people to play the original Dungeons & Dragons. There are in fact several references to him found through out most of the original books, some of which continue to this day. Most notably among these is the color of the sky in one of the many settings is a vivid description of Tractor John’s eye color. Additionally, the king of one particular realm is actually a description of Tractor John.
8/16/2014: As an avid gamer Tractor John has attended every Gencon since the first one in 1968. Admittedly, the first year was entirely by accident, when he entered the con to escape a roving band of angry husbands. Being the first year Tractor John has missed, a tasteful memorial has been set up off to one side in a back corner of the RPG hall. The memorial is fifteen foot tall, made entirely of chrome, engraved with some of Tractor John’s most epic moments, spits flame whenever anyone passes with in ten feet, and plays a selection of various heavy metal hits to mark the hour. Several pictures have appeared online where people have taken time to leave mementos behind in tribute. These include: copies of recently deceased character sheets, flowers, dice, beer, and a selection of women’s undergarments.
8/17/2014: Tractor John has had the good fortune to meet several U.S. Presidents and have varying degrees of influence on each of them. Despite, whether they agreed, liked, or even enjoyed Tractor Johns company, they all respected his no nonsense way of talking. Each man he has spent time with have quoted him in speeches and memoirs, invited him to state dinners, mentioned him by name in various policy letters, or some combination of the three. Today, as the news of his passing spreads, one of these men visited with Tractor John’s family and thanked them for all their son has done for this country. Due to national security I cannot say which President he met with or how exactly he influenced his career. I can say that it was a lovely afternoon and the former president took a few minutes to play the saxophone Tractor John helped him buy all those years ago in Arkansas.
8/18/2014: Tractor John enjoys motorcycles. He has purchased a brand new bike every year since he first turned sixteen. It is interesting to note that he didn’t purchase his first Harley Davidson until he turned twenty-six because they didn’t offer it in his favorite color until that year.
8/19/2014: In 1972 Bensenville, Illinois was under siege by a corrupt force of men attempting to make a name for them selves in the world of organized crime. The gang, led by Benny “Ten Pins” Jones, was forcing their way into several area businesses. Ten Pins, so named for his prodigious use of a bowling ball as a means of dealing with troublesome individuals, had decided to focus his sights on a well known Italian restaurant. Upon entering his men escorted everyone from the establishment and locked the doors before taking the owner, Big Tony Defalco, into the kitchen for what they referred to as a conversation. Unfortunately for the would-be crime syndicate they forgot to empty the restroom where Tractor John had stepped moments before they entered. After returning to the dinning room and finding it empty Tractor John heard a commotion from the kitchen and curiosity got the better of him. Investigating the noise Tractor John discovered his favorite chef about to have his fingers removed by one of Ten Pins boys. Tractor John acted without thinking and saved Big Tony and his cooking staff from grievous injury. Since that day, Tractor John has never been allowed to pay for a meal at the restaurant despite it being passed to the next generation of Defalco‘s. However, it should be noted, that while he never is asked to pay a tab, Tractor John still tips liberally.
8/20/2014: Tractor John has been a driving force in American
trucking since 1963. In addition to being a professional on occasion he was
also instrumental in bringing CB radio lingo to the attention of the American
people. He helped work on several movie, two books, and a very popular song
written about a cross-country haul performed by himself and several of his
compatriots. He was also the first to refer to police officers as Smokey, after
the famous fire prevention mascot Smokey the Bear. Though to this day it is
unclear as to why he thought to compare police officers to a forest ranger
based bear.
8/21/2014: Tractor John was one of the founding members of
the original Beetles. To be clear this is not the quartet from Liverpool as
many have wrongly believed but instead the Charlotte North Carolina barbershop
quartet. The group, believed by many music historians is believed to have had a
major effect on the modern music industry. Many of their most popular songs have
been sampled, remade, and worked into several more recent hits.
8/22/2014: Tractor John was once accidentally placed on the
FBI’s most wanted list. His file got mixed up with another man’s in 1976 and as
a result Tractor John was the focus of a massive nation wide manhunt. The hunt
went on for sixteen days as the FBI followed up on various reports, tips, and
investigation based information. The hunt was eventually called off when the
mistake was discovered and the real culprit, a drug kingpin name John Tripper
Osmond was found to be who they were actually looking for. An interesting side
note, during the investigation the FBI never came close to finding Tractor John
who at the time was a resident of Fulsome County Prison.
8/23/2014: In 1984 Tractor John unknowingly prevented World
War III by preventing the assassination attempt of Mikhail Gorbachev. A
Kentucky coal miner, mistakenly believing his wife was having an affair with
the President of Russia, had set out to kill the man. While in a Danish pub in
Moscow he overheard Tractor John make a disparaging comment about Wildcats and
in a state of drunken pride defended his favorite college football team. After
a seven hour brawl that spilled outside the pub and engulfed four square blocks
of downtown Moscow both men were arrested, detained, and immediately deported
to France. While incarcerated, the two men discovered that Tractor John had
been talking about actual wildcats and not the football team leading to general
camaraderie and forgiveness. This cemented the two men’s deep friendship and to
this day Kentucky Mike Jackson is one of Tractor Johns most trusted friends.
8/24/2014: Tractor John worked as a teacher for six years in
the early eighties. He had been hired in Alabama to teach a third grade auto
shop class. The class and curriculum were part of an experiment to help a
struggling economy by giving the foundations of useful job skills to younger
children to help focus their later educational development. Sadly, the program
was canceled when it was discovered that all they had actually accomplish was
to give a group ten year olds all the necessary skills to steal cars which led
to one of the largest auto theft rings to hit Alabama and surrounding states.
8/25/2014: Tractor John is noted in some record books as
having won the lottery in three different states. The results of this are that
John was worth a substantial amount on the date of his disappearance. As a
result of this and a few other factors there was a substantial push by some
members of his family to have him declared legally dead. To this end this
weekend marked the reading of his will. However, in what some are calling the
final ‘screw you’ the will had a specific clause that called for his fortune to
be either placed in escrow for five years or divided up amongst a pre-selected
list of charities. The decision to which was to be made by open communal vote
by those relatives mentioned in the will. By a vote of 8 versus 2 the money was
placed in escrow. In addition to this, the will asks that I report that the two
people who voted against the rest were Tractor John’s current/third wife and
his only daughter.
8/26/2014: Tractor John has had many jobs over the years:
miner, sailor, teacher, highwayman, park ranger, lumberjack, and a plethora of
others. The job he returns to most often is that of truck driver. He held
several certifications to drive most every type of specialized trucking vehicle
in nearly 92% of all countries. While there is a vast landscape of trucking
stories I could tell, I choose this one. In 1994 while taking a rather
substantial haul to a processing plant up north his truck was stolen by a group
of professional highway pirates. A trend that spiked in the early to mid
nineties, young men and women dressed in turn of the century pirate regalia and
driving around in busses, vans, and assorted micro vehicles painted black and
bearing the Jolly Rodger would hijack various shipments on the highways of
North America. Tractor john was forced to track the men who stole his truck through
the badlands of Toronto until he cornered them outside Manitoba. The epic
battle that ensued lasted two days and required Tractor John call for help from
several of his friends. In the end Tractor John was able to reclaim his truck
and deliver the shipment only thirty-two minutes late.
8/27/2014: Tractor John was a dedicated environmentalist. He
loved national parks, camping, and the wilds so much he worked constantly to
help preserve them for future generations. For example, as a lumber jack he
helped to start several programs to replant any trees that were cut down. Due
to this, it is widely accepted that he was the inspiration for a popular fire
prevention character from the eighties. Many theories point to the similarities
of the two: similar sizes, their general demeanor around children, and finally
Tractor Johns lustrous beard.
8/28/2014: Tractor John was a fantastic chef. Not only was he
practiced in the various culinary arts through home experimentation he was also
Cordon Blue trained. To this day, many of his most famous squirrel recipes are
still used in many of the finest Parisian eateries.
8/29/2014: Tractor Johns staunch support of law enforcement
and his unending drive for justice led to the formation of a special branch of
the Mounties in the mid 70’s. The team was hand picked by John and placed at
his disposal whenever he was located in Canada and hunting down the lawless
scum that sometimes in habit the Vancouver wilds.
8/30/2014: In 1983 for service to the Empire, Tractor John
was given the title of official Samurai of the nation of Japan. He was the last
living person to hold this title.
8/31/2014: While never a basis for the film Tractor John was
hired as a technical adviser for John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China.
He was used for his knowledge of mystical Chinese history, martial arts, and
reflexes. He appears in the film during wedding scene as one of the rescuers
directly behind Burton as he fires the gun into the ceiling. There is some
debate by film scholars as to whether or not Tractor John’s truck the Mountains
Thunder was used as the Pork Chop express.
9/1/2014: Tractor John was a dedicated fan of the space
program. He has been personally on site for every NASA launch since 1978. His
love of the space program led to him taking a shipping job in 1988 to haul a
series of mission critical equipment from Texas to Florida. It was through this
trip that he became friends with several of Americas Astronauts.
9/2/2014: The events depicted in 1984 film Red Dawn are based
on a series of events in Tractor Johns senior year of high school. It all
started [redacted by government] and that’s how it all turned out for the best.
9/3/2014: In his early adult life Tractor John was elected as
the sheriff of the small home town in which he was raised. He got the job after
fighting back against growing corruption in his home town that included several
businesses, city councilmen, and the local law enforcement. After cleaning up
the streets he was elected to sheriff in a rather spectacular landslide. In a
minor side note the events described occurred in the same year the film Walking
Tall was released in theaters. Despite the fact that the film depicts events
from several years prior to its release some film historians believe the movie
depicts Tractor Johns life. This has never been the case and Tractor John was
always the first to point out that the film about real sheriff Buford Pusser
had actually inspired him to save his own town. Still, in some circles the
misconception remains to this day.
9/4/2014: It was on this day in 1983 that Tractor John, who
had been working as a tow truck driver, was sent to help a wayward motorist
whose car had broken down outside of Atlanta, Georgia. The customer in question
was the Pope. Apparently the Pope mobile had thrown a rod and ended up on the
side of the road unable to continue forward. Though the Pope himself had been
spirited away by taxi long before Tractor John arrived he still hauled,
repaired, and returned the vehicle once the job was finished. Upon its return
he was invited to meet with the Pope and the two men held a private
conversation that lasted several hours. Neither man has ever revealed the
contents of that conversation, though the Pope once credited his introduction
to Trisha Yearwood to a conversation with a tow truck driver.
9/5/2014: Tractor John was an avid fan of NASCAR.
Additionally, he worked to become a skilled driver in hopes of rising through
the ranks to driving his own car. Unfortunately, Tractor John was never able to
master the skills necessary to become a driver on a professional level. His
largest failing was his desire to push his car as far as possible before
attempting to stop. This resulted in him running out of fuel or blowing his
tires in nearly ninety percent of his races.
9/6/2014: Tractor John loved camping, and maintained a cabin
at a small lake in Illinois. Every year he would travel there for two weeks and
enjoy the time away from modern technology and the hectic demands of his
regular life. In honor of this, several of his friends will be traveling to the
lake house on Monday and will spend the next two weeks remembering their lost
friend. I hope to be amongst them.
9/7/2014: In 1992 Tractor John and Captain Crater Vance were
in Las Vegas for a long weekend. During their trip they decided to go and see
one of the local magic acts and enjoy a quiet show. At one point during the act
Tractor John was chosen as a volunteer and brought up on stage as part of the
finale to be used in a disappearing act. The trick began and Tractor John was
loaded into a trunk, the trunk spun, and opened to reveal a beautiful woman.
The crowd applauded and the young woman was led behind a curtain. The audience
counted to six, the curtain dropped, and a large crimson John Deere tractor was
revealed. The act ended and everyone went home. Captain Crater Vance waited
after the show to meet Tractor John, who did not appear. One of the starts of
the show came out and met the Captain and explained that Tractor John had met
one of the assistants and the two had gone off together. Captain Crater Vance
thought nothing of it and went back to the hotel. It was a full week before
Tractor John would again reappear. He showed up in full scorch marked armor,
wielding a sword, bearing a three pound solid gold chalice, rambling incoherently
about another world filled with dragons. On a unrelated note, this was the same
week an as yet unnamed man stormed through the Excalibur casino, raided the
Medieval Times dinner show, and rode off with one of the actresses and several
pieces of the casinos property.
9/8/2014: In 1979 Tractor John delivered a shipment of
alcohol to Studio 54. During the delivery he met Steve Rubell, one of the clubs
owners. While the various cases of alcohol were being unloaded the two started
a conversation that ended up lasting several hours. Steve enjoyed Tractor
John’s humor and sensibilities that he immediately offered him a job at the
club. Tractor John worked at the club for the next six months until a family
emergency required he leave and return home. Sadly, Tractor John would never be
able to return to his club. However, he would make a spiritual return when
asked to appear as himself in the 1998 film.
9/9/2014: Tractor John set an unofficial world record in 1974
when he drove from New York to Las Angeles in 34 hours. He was taking part in
an illegal cross country road race with his friend Cannonball Smith. The two
men drove a modified Ford Fairlane and despite a few unexpected hazards
including a biker gang, an ex-wife, and teenage runaway they were able to eek
out a first place victory finishing ahead of the second place car by just seven
minutes. Their record would stand until 1981 when it was soundly trounced by
Burt Reynolds and Hal Needham.
9/10/2014: Tractor John was a roadie for the Sex Pistols for
three months during a European tour in 1976. He had met several members of the
band while staying at the Hotel Chelsea in Chicago and they liked his humor so
well they invited him along on the tour.
9/11/2014: A recent
examination of his properties as part of collecting information on his estate
has revealed that Tractor John owned the forth largest vineyard in Napa Valley.
He purchased the failing vineyard in 2003 because he enjoyed the view from one
the rooms in a small B&B set up on the property and he was very drunk. In
the ensuing years he managed to help build up the vineyard through some of his
shipping contacts and helping to improve the various vintages they produced. As
a testament to his skill in the last four years the vineyard has been nominated
for thirty-six different awards across eight different countries. They have won
a total of twelve of the awards.
9/12/2014: Tractor John was a huge fan of baseball. He loved the game and would attend as often as he was able. He’s met most members of every all star team since 1983. While he enjoys watching any team play his favorite was always the Cincinnati Reds. His love for the team came from his father an avid Reds fan, who learned it from his Father who played for the team for two years. A sad side note to this story is that while Tractor John has thrown out the first pitch for every other team in the major leagues the Reds have never invited him to the mound.
9/13/2014: Tractor John was a continuous member of the
Columbia House Record and Tape club since 1964. This was mostly due to his
inability to figure out how to end his membership.
9/14/2014: In 1987 Tractor John and several of his friends
were celebrating the up coming marriage of Lightning Tom McCormick. Near the
end of the three day celebration the group staggered their way through the
woods near their cabin and found themselves surrounded by men in armor
mid-siege of a massive castle. As the army around them let forth cries of death
to the queen the gathered mass decided to do what they could and helped to
defend the castle and the queen. After a massive counter push Tractor John and
his friends were able to turn the tides of battle and route the attackers. They
then staggered back into the woods and returned to their cabin. It was another
three days before they learned they were responsible for what many referred to
as the best SCA battle in twenty years. The entire group has a standing
invitation to return to the group’s annual meeting at Pennsic.
9/15/2014: on April 8th, 1973 Tractor John may or may not have been involved in the longest recorded cross state police chase. He may or may not have been involved in the transportation of moonshine for the purposes of consumption or sale. He may or may not have been driving a modified scarlet Plymouth Duster. That might have had a top speed of 185 mph. The car, if it ever existed, might have been built with the help of someone such as my father who may or may not have also been in the car. They may or may not have evaded capture after the car might have jumped a downed bridge over the Mississippi river after an unseasonably dense rain may have washed out the bridge. They may or may not still be at large to this day.
9/16/2014: Tractor John was once hunted by a group of wealthy
industrialists for sport. To this date none of the industrialist have been seen
since.
9/17/2014: In the late 1970’s Tractor John was briefly
recruited to play professional football. Despite his age many experts felt that
he was going to be a force to be reckoned with in the upcoming season. In the
end he was only fielded for one preseason game before being released from his
contract. Sadly it was over a disagreement involving politics that caused the
rift. Tractor John felt that a new rezoning tax that would allow residential
areas to reestablish a more direct connection to a polar voting agreement would
unfairly sway future establishments of certain physical improvements to less
than ideal visual stimuli. Of course the teams owner at the time felt that
while this was in keeping with the intention of the original law as it was
written by the community founders it was an over simplistic view of modern
cohabitation practices between businesses, educational, and artistic interests.
They were both intractable and unable to be swayed. After months of debate
Tractor John was replaced by a younger player named Marino.
9/18/2014: In the mid 1960’s Tractor John was accidentally
knighted during a royal birthday celebration. The knighting took place after
the party took a turn for the overindulgent when, as Tractor John would often
put it, “someone accidentally” spiked the punch. To date Tractor John is the
only person on Earth to receive the title of Lord Knight of the Silver Cheese
Plate.
9/19/2014: In 1977 Tractor John was made an American
ambassador. The position was short lived, being revoked after just eight days,
when he lost Arizona to the French in a poker game. Arizona remained a French
colony for thirteen months, causing several thousand American flags to be
ordered for distribution to schools that had only forty-nine flags. After a
prolonged strike by the American Flag makers union President Jimmy Carter
decide, in a bold move, to reclaim Arizona in late night Baccarat tourney held
at the White House. President Carter handily won the tournament, settled the
strike, and invented a new form legume all in the span of eleven hours.
9/20/2014: In 1983 Tractor John began the long process of
completely restoring a M4 Sherman Tank. It took the help of several of his
friends, an extensive budget, and nearly six years. Once finished they proudly
showed the tank, painted black and named Bandit 3, at local car shows. The tank
became very popular at trade shows, carnivals, and used car lot commercials.
Sadly in April of 2001 Tractor John drove the tank to his lake cabin in
Illinois where it disappeared. Tractor John claimed to no longer know the tanks
location, claiming to have lost the keys and forgetting where he parked it.
Coincidentally, this coincided with one of his neighbors being elected to city
council and passing an ordinance that would require the Tank be turned over to
local police.
9/21/2014: Tractor John was in the Guinness Book of World
Records as the fastest mechanic in Canada. He held the record for 28 minutes
before it was revealed that he wasn’t Canadian.
9/22/2014: Despite being a national hero, having been awarded
multiple national medals, and being the subject of several public art works,
including three statues, Tractor John has never been to Spain.
9/23/2014: In 1979 Tractor John was instrumental in helping
form a Special Forces unit for the American military. The unit was supposed to
be an autonyms organization in charge of responding to world crisis and international
threats without needing funding or approval from any governing body. According
to Tractor John the team was supposed to be loosely based in Wyoming and have
access to several equipment drop sites all over the world. A team of thirty men
and women was initially recruited for the task with plans to increase that
number to nearly two hundred by the end of 1984. They were also tasked with
recruiting members from any walk of life, nationality, and past. Tractor John
often claimed that he and President Carter were very happy with the results.
9/24/2014: For an entire week in 1968 Tractor John served as
Adam West’s stunt double. It should be noted that he didn’t work on any film or
television project. He was in fact West’s stunt double for when Adam was suddenly
faced with a rabid batch of fans. Adam would distract the crowd for a few
seconds allowing Tractor John to leap in and take his place.
9/25/2014: During the 1983 Superbowl Tractor John was
instrumental in preventing the total destruction of Newark. A large obstruction
in the Newark sewage drainage system compacted with an unseasonably high rain
fall had resulted in a straining sewer system that could burst causing a cascade
failure that would erode the Newark substructure. This could have caused a
massive collapse of several major structures including the Newark City Hall.
Tractor John working alongside his friend Jersey Mike from Jersey Mike’s
plumbing entered the sewers and set about repairing the system in hopes of
completing their task before halftime was reached and the increased system
usage would surely overload the system causing the above discussed failure.
Fortunately, the pair was able to fix the problem with seconds to go in the
half and was able to free up the extra space in the lines and exit the system
before the ensuing flood.
9/26/2014: Tractor John has the largest collection of rare
Beanie Babies in the state of North Dakota.
9/27/2014: For eight months in 1976 Tractor John was the Poet
Laureate of Denver Colorado. Unfortunately, due to a minor clerical snafu he
was never informed of the position until several years later during an NPR
interview when they asked about his experiences there.
9/28/2014: for an eighteen month period in the 1970’s Tractor
John traveled the Sahara as a nomad and amassing quite an impressive following.
During this time he was know as something that translates to the Crimson
Throat. He and his followers traveled the desert living off the land and what
they could trade with small villages and other passing groups they would come
across. It’s unclear what led to Tractor John having to leave this life behind,
only that he did have to leave. Whether his life was in danger, he had entered
into an unfortunate relationship and needed an exit, or he was just really
desperate to see the Smokey and the Bandit; we may never know.
9/29/2014: A dedicated fan of Le Mans racing Tractor John
would take every opportunity to attend a race regardless of distance, time, or
expense. Though he denied it whenever asked many believed that Tractor John and
world renowned racer Johnnie Switchback Feirio were the same person. The idea
of this came about due to the remarkable physical similarities between the two
men. It was also fueled by Johnnie Switchbacks reclusive nature; he’s won
several races and has never been seen off track or outside his car for more
than a few seconds.
9/30/2014: In 1972 Tractor John was fortunate enough to
accompany then President Richard Nixon on his now famous trip to China. The two
men met briefly during an airport stopover in Los Angeles. The two hit it off
while sitting in the bar discussing that years Super Bowl. After a spirited
conversation the President invited Tractor John along on his trip and John
happily agreed to continue the conversation. After the trip both Tractor John
and President Nixon remained friends for many years often meeting to watch the
Super Bowl, World Series, or some other sporting event.
10/1/2014: Every fall Tractor John would travel to Morristown
Vermont for what he claimed was the most spectacular panorama of changing
leaves in the entire United States. He would often remark on its beauty
claiming the area north of town at sunset was one of the three things on Earth
that could get him to cry every time.
10/2/2014: in 1984 Tractor John was asked by President Reagan
to represent the United Sates in a battle for the ages. Taking part in the
frozen wastes of Siberia, Tractor John met his Russian equivalent in Ursus
Dmitri Volkoff. The titans battled in a best of five series of matches. The
first match lasted four days as the two men battled for supremacy over the
landscape. In the end none of the other matches were held partial due to the
amount of time it was estimated the fights would take. The main reason for
cancelling the matches was that after the first fight Tractor John and Ursus
Dmitri having gained a measure of respect for one another and friendship went
off to go drinking. They were not seen for three weeks when they both appeared
in Rio.
10/3/2014: Tractor John was one of the inaugural inductees in
the Trick-or-Treat hall of fame found in Salem, Massachusetts.
10/4/2014: In 1983 the most purchased costume in Salt Lake
City, Utah was Tractor John. Worn most prominently by you boys, who accounted
for 40% of the costumes sold, it was worn by several people of all ages and
genders. In fact a popular photo that made the rounds at the time in various
fan magazines was of a young 24 year old woman named Sylvia James who dressed
as Tractor John for an event at her local church group.
10/5/2014: Tractor John once answered an ad for a
professional vampire hunter just to see what the poster was looking for. The
placer of the ad, an atheist church group wanted him to handle what they
referred to as an abhorrent threat to the moral center of American youth. They
gave him directions and a time table of the “vampires” activities. Still hoping
to learn what was going on he went forth into the “vampires” lair unsure of
what to expect. And that is how he met Kiss.
10/6/2014: As a boy Tractor John once faced off against a
hoard of ghost pirates with a band of other children from his school. After
being chased through a series of tunnels, into a massive graveyard and finally
boarding a decrepit pirate ship it was discovered that he and his friends had
accidentally wandered behind the scenes of a popular amusement park ride.
10/7/2014: Tractor John is one of the world’s foremost
experts on Bigfoot. Whether or not he believed that Bigfoot exists is unknown.
10/8/2014: in 1983 Tractor John currently holds the world
record for Trick-or-Treating. The record is for visiting 104 houses in 5 hours.
In order to qualify the record holder must be in a costume that took some
effort according to record officials, ring the doorbell or knock at the door,
greet the residents with a traditional greeting most typically Trick-or-Treat,
wait patiently for candy, answer at least one question about their costume, and
after receiving whatever the house is handing out thank them before moving to
the next house. Tractor John used the traditional Trick-or-Treat as his
greeting and his costume was Evel Knievel.
10/9/2014: In 1973 Tractor John a popular candy manufacturer
produced a series of chocolate coins for Halloween that bore the likenesses of
several then popular holiday images. In order to make good on a wager involving
the land speed of a badger the head of the company ordered that one of the
images be of Tractor John. The coins were only produced that year, though there
is a rumor that the coins have been put into production for this year in
memoriam.
10/10/2014: Today I learned that Tractor John had a goal of
participating in Trick-or-Treat in every State in the US. Unfortunately, he was
only able to participate in 43 states and the District of Columbia. His
daughter has asked me to reach out to readers and ask if you find yourself
going door to door in Arizona, Washington, Kansas, Hawaii, North Dakota, South
Dakota, or Ohio that you please take a moment at one house and wish the
residents a festive holiday on behalf of Tractor John Osborn.
10/11/2014: In 1967 Tractor John went missing for a period of
three days. His truck was found abandoned in the middle of an old country road.
Authorities looked for in vain until he was discovered lying unconscious in a
corn field at the center of an elaborate crop circle. He was then taken to area
52 by federal authorities where he was held for two weeks. While Tractor John
has never claimed to have been abducted by any form of extra-terrestrial there
are many who wonder.
10/12/2014: In 1984 Tractor John joined his cousin,
archaeologist Professor Bubba Osborn, during a dig in Egypt. As a part of the
team Tractor John was on hand for the discovery of the tomb of Ahmuncamhan,
considered one of the most significant finds of the 1980’s. The tomb itself was
filled with several artifacts and various pieces with artistic and historic
importance. While most of the dig was successful it should be noted that the
team was informed of an ancient curse that had been placed on the tomb. Once
they had returned to the states members of the dig team began to die under
mysterious circumstances. To date the only members of the crew still alive are
Tractor John and Professor Bubba who gather every year on the anniversary of
the tombs opening.
10/13/2014: Tractor John once volunteered at his daughter’s
summer camp as a councilor when she was 15. While at first embarrassed by her
fathers presence she and several other campers were very grateful he was there
by the end of the third week. An escaped serial killer had made his way to the
camp and was terrorizing the members. He was eventually stopped by the quick
thinking, superb reflexes, and front truck bumper of Tractor John.
10/14/2014: Tractor John once ate his own weight in Resse’s
Cups on a dare.
10/15/2014: In 1972 Tractor John was accepted as an honorary
member of the New Salem All Christian American Witch’s Coven. He has been a
member in good standing ever since and would regularly attend meetings. When
asked recently if they would be doing anything to honor him this season they
responded, “we would were he dead.” Whatever that means.
10/16/2014: While attending middle-school as a young man John
became so upset with the bullies in his school he was moved to action. Not
wanting to get in trouble for fighting on school grounds John began a
systematic removal and punishing of those who preyed on smaller, smarter, and
weaker students. With a few false starts and two disastrous failures he
eventually developed a program that would deal with the offending bully. John
and his friends would wait for the bully to go to bed for the evening and then,
under cover of darkness, they would slip into their room and using a chloroform
soaked rag they got from one of his friends fathers, they would make sure the
bully would remain asleep. Then they would remove him from his home, stuff him
in a box, and overnight direct ship them to a military recruiting office in
Calgary. Eventually the child would find their way home and be slightly worse
for wear. However, they would stop bullying and after only six children
experienced the wonders of Calgary all of the bullying stopped.
10/17/2014: Tractor John is featured in a popular Massively Multi-player Online Game as one of the leaders of the main player races. He has been called in several times to do motion capture for the character and has always been happy to take part in the process. While for legal reasons I will not be able to reveal the World that the crafted game makes war in or the character they use to enthrall players.
10/18/2014: in the mid 80’s Tractor John spent six months hunting the Locke Ness Monster. After spend months studying maps, charts, and sonar scans he eventually would make the public statement that they were unable to find the Locke Ness Monster. However, on cold autumn nights, after one to many beers and just before three too many beers he would sometimes tell the tale of taking a mini sub below the depths of the lake and seeing something vast and magnificent. He wouldn’t talk about it for long, as he is a quick drinker, but he would often express sorrow over the terrible fate that awaited the beast should anyone figure out what he did. Of course once sober, he would deny every piece of the story calling it the drunken ramblings of an old sailor.
10/19/2014: While not an avid fisherman, Tractor John has
taken a hand at fishing everyone in a while. His greatest fishing
accomplishment was to catch an 8000 pound great white of the coast of Martha’s
Vineyard. Though the boat they were in was destroyed.
10/20/2014: In the summer of 1989 Tractor John was brought in
as part of a group of holy men and women assembled to help perform a mass
exorcism. A group of scouts were having a jamboree in at a cursed campground
that had once held a lost pet elephant graveyard. During the course of the
jamboree one of the counselors accidentally invoked an ancient Celtic god while
telling a scary campfire story. This caused the entire outing to become
possessed by the lost spirits of a group of settlers who had become lost on the
Oregon Trail. The assembled team was brought in to cleanse the area. The team
of thirteen people spent the better part of two days battling the dark forces
contained within the children and counselors. In the end only four of the team
survived. Tractor John, a Nun from San Diego, a Rabbi from China, and a psychic
from Rhode Island who hadn’t been invited but had gotten lost while camping and
ended up at the meeting. All of the affected were saved, with the exception of
one of the counselors who some say still roams those woods today, looking for
other groups to tell a scary story to.
10/21/2014: Tractor John has a nearly identical twin named
Scooter Frank. It is interesting because neither of them are related in any way
and only rarely encounter one another every year or so. The two are
indistinguishable except for the fact that John has a full beard and Frank has
a goatee.
10/22/2014: In the late 70’s Tractor John was traveling
through Georgia with two very skilled fiddle players, Chuck and Johnny. One
evening after having drunk quite a bit the trio met a dark man in night black
suit. The man commented on the skill the fiddlers used and ask which of them
was better. At the time Chuck had become sick from overdrinking so Johnny
mentioned that at that moment it was he for the fact of being the most sober.
The man in the suit and Johnny talked and after some discussion on the nature
of beauty, music, and divinity came to the question of a simple contest of
skill. While Tractor John was against the contest, feeling that something
bigger than man was afoot, he was too drunk to make a competent objection.
Johnny and the man in the suit played against one another to see who was more
skilled. Tractor John had a very shaky recollection of contest. He would only
say that it was beautiful, terrible, and otherworldly. Afterwards, despite
having won, Johnny put aside his fiddle never to play again with the exception
of promising to perform at the funerals of his friends. Chuck went on to warn
the world about the dangers of the man in the dark suit until the day he
passed. It should be noted, that Johnny did not play at the funeral but
returned to the graveside one year after his passing to keep his promise.
Tractor John never listened to music the same way again. It should also be
noted, that Johnny has never played at any of Tractor Johns funerals claiming
it was not yet time.
10/23/2014: Tractor John was once confused for a werewolf and
hunted during a period in 1987 when he decided to not trim his beard or cut his
hair for an entire month just to see what would happen.
10/24/2014: Tractor
John has been hunted for sport on three separate occasions.
10/25/2014: Brothers, James and Donald Parker, based the “Get
out of Jail free” card on something Tractor John actually has.
10/26/2014: Tractor John is responsible for creating the
largest cornfield maze. It covered seven fields, three counties and required
the construction of six tunnels to work around two highways, a river, the mall
of America, and an Amish festival.
10/27/2014: Tractor John functioned as a debunker of psychic
phenomena for a period of six weeks in the 1970’s until he came across
something that he would later reefer to as the Miami Incident.
10/28/2014: In 1963 Tractor John was part of a small rural
community that was forced to withstand a zombie-like invasion. The participants
of a nearby music festival had a bad reaction to the cheap, expired, tainted, and
hallucinogenic mist that billowed from the smoke machines during a midnight
performance. Those affected became incoherent, mindless, lost motor control,
and began wandering with a herd mentality towards the bright lights and sounds
from a church carnival. Tractor John happened to be there as one of the drivers
who had helped to deliver the attractions. Tractor John and a local preacher
know as Shotgun O’Donnell worked together to help protect the locals. The
evening became very tense when it was learned that the intoxicant could be
transferred through saliva and a vicious rash of attacks broke out. In the end
the chemicals worked their way out of everyone’s system and with the exception
of a few bumps and bruises the only fatality was Bennie Lewis, the promoter who
had purchased the smoke.
10/29/2014: Tractor John was once part of a séance to contact
Harry Houdini. To this day the results of the séance were inconclusive as the
only thing the spirit would say was that the entire séance was a hoax and the psychic
was a fraud.
10/30/2014: Tractor John was improperly declared dead by a
slightly hung over forensic technician in 1982 after a hit and run in New York,
South Dakota. The error was later discovered when they mortician began his
autopsy. His first incision woke Tractor John from his coma and caused him
severe nasal trauma when Tractor John punched him in the face. To the
mortician’s credit and thinking that John was a zombie, he did manage to stab
Tractor John four times with the scalpel before being disarmed.
10/31/2014: 25 years ago today, Tractor John and a team of
fourteen men and women from the armed forces were trapped inside a hanger at an
abandoned air force base. The base was under siege by the forces of darkness.
From sunset to sunrise they faced an ever growing horde of unnamable evil. The
held the horde back as long as they could, losing ground and being forced
deeper and deeper into the building until there was nowhere left to run. As the
night progressed and they retreated they would lose several of their comrades.
In the end, only three people survived. The climbed out of the twisted wreckage
of the hanger as the last vestige of security crumbled in the light of the
advancing sun. Tractor John would never talk about that night, and it is unclear
who or what they were fighting against. However, occasionally photos of that
night appear and then are quickly removed from the internet. Those photos
depict the various heroes from that night battling against misshapen horrors
festooned with claws, spikes, horns, and fangs. Some of the photos show members
of the squad sacrificing themselves to but the others a bit more time, others
show people be drug off into a crowd of these creatures with a look so awful on
their faces that it is indescribable. In my life I have seen only one of these
pictures; I have never looked for a second.
11/1/2014: Peter Fonda once walked up to Tractor John,
punched him in the face, said “You know what you did,” and walked away. To this
day Tractor John has no idea why.
11/2/2014: Tractor John would often claim he never felt more
alive than when he was out numbered, outgunned, staring death in the eyes with
a gun in one hand, a bottle of whisky in the other and a good woman at his
back.
11/3/2014: There is some debate in scholastic circles about
the meaning of Tractor Johns ancient family motto when translated into modern
English. One camp of believes it reads, “Love, laughter, and adventure. With
out all three life is meaning less.” A second camp believes it reads, “There is
no enemy who will stand before our collected might.” There is also a third,
much smaller group who believes it reads, “Tickle festively for best results.”
To this date the debate has not been settled and some fear it may never be.
11/4/2014: Tractor John once got lost while hiking the
Appalachian Trail. He was missing for six days before being discovered in a
culinary school in Rhode Island with no recollection of how he came to be
there.
11/5/2014: In the late 70’s Tractor John was asked by the head
of the MPAA to help refine the ratings system. Tractor John felt that the
entire system should be scrapped and rebuilt from the ground up but it was
deemed to be too much effort and the system stayed the same.
11/6/2014: Though an avid fisherman, Tractor John has never
lied about the size of a fish he’s caught.
11/7/2014: It is illegal to own a copy of Tractor John’s
likeness in Iran.
11/8/2014: Tractor John has founded at least seventeen youth
groups dedicated to the capture and cataloguing of extra-terrestrials. To date
they have amassed the largest collection of photo’s, physical samples, and UFO
based selfies known to man.
11/9/2014: On March 26th 1989 Tractor John
vanished. The semi he had been driving was found abandoned in the New Mexico
desert. There was no sign of Tractor John for two weeks. When he was finally
found, he was unconscious in Washington D.C. an alley near E street and 10th,
wearing period clothing from the early 1800’s, and repeating the name Abe over
and over. While he has never talked about the time he was missing or who Abe
was there have been many theories. The one that receives the most mention
revolves around a photo of Abraham Lincoln as president during a trip to
Springfield, Illinois that features a bodyguard that looks nearly exactly like
Tractor John and is wearing clothing very similar to those he was found in.
11/10/2014: In 1976 Tractor John spent an entire week in
Tibet playing football/soccer with the Dalai Lama and a group of Monks. He said
the most liberating and unique part of the games was that no one kept score;
they played merely for the sake of playing.
11/11/2014: While Tractor John has never run away and joined
the circus, a circus once joined him for a period of there weeks in the 60’s.
11/12/2014: Tractor John once danced with the devil in the
pale moon light. All he would say of the experience was, “We danced the Tango.
I led. Nothing else happened.”
11/13/2014: Tractor John once fought a band of ruthless
cattle rustlers while leading a convoy of cattle trucks across Nevada. To this
day no one is quite sure what six men on horseback thought they were going to
accomplish and it is likely that we never will. This is due to their plan
having consisted of stepping out from behind some rocks into the road in front
of Tractor John’s Mack and shooting out the tires. This plan might have worked
if they had left enough room for John to stop the truck in time when they
stepped in front of it.
11/14/2014: Tractor John has been on screen in six different
Doctor Who regeneration episodes through out the years.
11/15/2014: In 1973 Tractor John spent six months living as a
hobo.
11/16/2014: Tractor John worked for Ludwig Van Helsing in
2008. While there are many who feel that Ludwig is a dedicated vampire hunter,
much like is famous ancestor, Tractor John worked under him in the capacity as
a world renowned pastry chef. Tractor John spent six weeks working for Ludwig
and only ended their time together after Tractor John was hospitalized with
thirteen broken bones in a freak pastry related accident that he doesn’t like
to talk about.
11/17/2014: Tractor John belonged to the French Foreign
Legion for six weeks in ’83. He left after being told that he needed to start
smoking ironic cigarettes and leave the Marlboro’s behind. It was a point he
just couldn’t bend on.
11/18/2014: In April of 2000 Tractor John and several friends
were summoned to the northern coast of Africa by their friend Safari Pete.
Safari Pete had encountered the descendants of a band of lost German soldiers
from World War II. The soldiers, having gotten lost in the mountains during the
war needed to rely on several of the locals to survive. Over time the two
groups merged and through the survival skills and area knowledge of the locals
and the spirit and resolve of the soldiers formed a new people. Safari Pete’s
expedition unknowingly broke trail to their village and the new locals emerged
from the mountains to cause havoc and destruction in the name of their
ancestors. And that is how Tractor John ended up spending three weeks fighting
Africanized Nazi’s.
11/19/2014: In 1956 John Osborn and several of his boyhood
friends were under threat from the attentions of a serial killer that was
operating in the area. The killer was dressing as a clown and luring several
young children to his evil layer at an abandoned amusement park. After one of
his friends, Skinny Tim, went missing John and the rest of his pals went out
one night to locate Skinny Tim. They managed to follow a trail of candy,
balloons, and grease paint to the abandoned amusement park known in its glory
days as Liberty Land. After searching the park they found Skinny Tim and the killer
clown and through a series of chases through several of the misused rides they
finally entered into a final showdown with the clown on top of the highest hill
of the roller coaster. During the fight the clown plummeted to his untimely end
pierced through by the scale model torch of a third sized Lady Liberty. To this
day no knows the true name of the killer clown.
11/20/14: Tractor John won his first drag race against a
diminutive older lady who lived in Pasadena. It’s from this encounter that he
got his love of Dodge cars.
11/21/2014: In 2004 the Top Ten things Tractor John does to
celebrate the Holidays was featured on the David Letterman show.
11/22/2014: Tractor John has kept every promise he has ever
given, even when they contradict. In 1979 in order to deliver a load of cattle
for a friend without breaking ranks during a trucking strike he led an actual
cattle drive across three states.
11/23/2014: Tractor John worked as an IT troubleshooter for
37 minutes before driving to a customers house and punching them for, “being to
dumb for their own good.” After that he quit and never returned to the office.
11/24/2014: Tractor John is worshipped as the God of the
Transportation, Loyalty, and Muskrats, by a small indigenous tribe in the
Amazon rainforest. The thing that marks this as remarkable is that they have
never met him, seen his picture, or viewed his likeness, despite this they have
made several carvings, paintings, and idols that exactly match appearance and
call him by name. To date, all anthropologists who have studied the case are
stumped as to how this has occurred.
11/25/2014: The home Tractor John was born in is listed on
the Historical Buildings Registry as, “the Birth Place of an American Icon.”
Whether this refers to Tractor John or someone else, no one knows.
11/26/2014: For two weeks in 1992 Tractor John was taught how
to use a skateboard by Tony Hawk. At the end of the two weeks Tony decided that
Tractor John was hopeless and the skateboard just wasn’t his thing; Tractor
John agreed.
11/27/2014: Tractor John is able to trace his ancestors all
the way back to the first Thanksgiving. He had some on both sides of the table.
11/28/2014: Tractor John once faced off against the forces of
evil in the form of an unnamed teen musician. While no one is certain who the
young man was, his affect on young girls had reached cult like levels and
Tractor John was forced to enter his compound and battle his way through the
young mans entourage in order to liberate nearly thirty-two young women. It was
a hard fought and bloody battle and in the end Tractor John was victorious and
able to return all of the women to their families.
11/29/2014: Tractor John participated in Hands across
America, during the event the wood planking of the small bridge he was standing
started to give way and he would have toppled into the river except for his
refusal to fall. Some say he levitated until the event was over, others say it
was the strength of the two people holding his hands, and still some say he
managed to stand on a support wire that managed to remain taut until the event
was over. No matter what the cause he retained his grip until the official end
of the event and then fell into the river.
11/30/2014: Tractor John appears on the Romanian fifty.
12/01/2014: Tractor John’s favorite time of year was
December. He loved all of the holidays and the joy and brotherhood that they
brought out in all of us. He worked in his community to help foster a sense of
frivolity and happiness.
12/2/2014: Tractor John spent a good portion of December
portraying Santa Claus at various children’s hospitals.
12/3/2014: Tractor John has been wishing people a Happy
Holiday since 1972, for the most part no one has cared except for the past few
years. While there is no foreseeable connection, everyone who gets angry at him
for his greeting suffers through a horrible holiday experience 100% of the
time. Most recently Agnes Webledon, after chastising Tractor John for not using
the appropriate greeting during the holiday season, was forced to undergo a
marathon seven hour slide show when her Grandson surprised everyone by
returning from the Amazon with pictures of all his mold samples.
12/4/2014: Tractor John makes his own candy canes. They have
the nutritional value of three oranges and an apple.
12/5/2014: Tractor John grows his own Christmas trees. He has
a private plot located in a distant corner of Yosemite National Park as part of
a favor from a former president. He has never named the President or explained
what he did to receive the plot. He plants a new tree every year when he goes
out to cut one down. This weekend several of his friends will travel to the
park with his daughter to chop down this year’s tree and plant a new one.
12/6/2014: It is said in the town of Bancroft, North Dakota
that 1968 was a very sad year. The winter snows refused to fall and the
temperature was an unseasonable 76 degrees. The town’s local Christmas festival
that traditionally culminated in massive communal sleigh ride to a great
evergreen at a nearby park was going to be cancelled. The town was not the same
as years gone by, people were distant, sad, and a melancholy had fallen over
the citizens. People had given up hope on a white Christmas, until one night
when a mysterious truck drove into town. It was great red big rig covered in
lights and jingling with bells. Many say the trucker was Tractor John, though
he claimed the story was, “nothing’ more than a tall tale for the cold nights.”
Whether it was him or not, all agree that the trucker walked into the hills
that night and called out to the Northern sky. He gave a sharp whistle and left
a plate of cookies, and nine carrots sitting on a tree stump. Moments after he
returned to town a cold wind followed him from the woods. As he filled his thermos
at the local diner, the first flakes of snow touched the ground. By the time
the truck was rolling past the edges of town a great blizzard had come and
coated the ground with thick flakes of glistening snow. The next day the
townsfolk had their celebration and the mood of the town changed and the people
became happy and content. Every year they gather around that stump, place a
plate of cookies, and nine carrots, then they retell the tale of the night
Tractor John saved Christmas.
12/7/2014: Tractor John was the inspiration for characters in
six different animated holiday specials.
12/8/2014: In the Northern part of Manitoba, Canada there
exists a train that travels through the Northwest Territories. The train runs
only twice a year, it heads North at the beginning of December and returns
after the New Year. The train is always loaded with passengers though no one
knows where they come from or who they are. The only way to get a ticket is to
have it given to you but no one is certain from whom they come. The tracks for
this train were laid out by Tractor John and his friend Husky McNamara of the
Royal Canadian Mounties. It took them nine months in 1983 to complete the
project with nothing more than hand tools, determination, and a working crew of
sixty men. Locals refer to it as the Holiday Express.
12/9/2014: In 1987 Tractor John spent six months working on a
reindeer ranch in the woods just north of Nome Alaska.
12/10/2014: In 1974 tractor John traveled up the Mississippi
river on a flatbed raft just to see if it could be done. The trip took five
weeks as he traveled from New Orleans to La Crosse, Wisconsin where he had to
stop once the raft collided with a yacht.
12/11/2014: Tractor John claims that he knows the secret for
hanging mistletoe in the perfect spot at any party. While this has never been
tested at least seventeen married couples, that I know of, credit their first
kiss to being under mistletoe that John hung for the holidays. These mistletoe
have been hung in far ranging locations that above the front door and near the
punch bowl to odd locations such as inside a closet or hanging from the garage
door. How he chose his locations or why he felt they needed to be placed where
and when they did remains a mystery.
12/12/2014: A series of collectors holiday ornaments based on
Tractor John were produced in 1974.
12/13/2014: Tractor John was specially trained by one of the
worlds greatest candy makers in the art of creating candy canes and has made
his own every year since 1983.
12/14/2014: Tractor John has battled the Krampus several
times since their first encounter in 1962. The Krampus is a creature from the
Alpine area that comes out during the holiday season to punish naughty children
and kidnap particularly nasty children away to the Black Forest. He and Tractor
John have come to blows several times over the years, so much so that Tractor
John has taken to spending December 24th patrolling the area around
the Black Forest. While Tractor John agrees with the practice of punishing
misbehaving children he is firmly against the abductions and has vowed that no
more will occur under his watch. Since he is lost to us this year, myself and
several of his friends have agreed to pick up the slack and man his post. A
total of fourteen of us will be in the Alpine area until sunrise. After which
Captain Vance Carter has agreed to fly us all home in time for Christmas,
except Rabbi Dynamite Johansen who has other plans.
12/15/2014: Tractor John is a spectacular gift wrapper. He spent
several months in 1983 honing his skills while living in Japan. His packages
are so intricate and thoughtfully wrapped that there are at least six known
gifts that have never been opened; the packages are displayed in places of
honor in various households as pieces of art.
12/16/2014: In 1997 Tractor John and forty-seven other volunteers once built one of the largest continuous light displays on record. It stretched over seventeen miles, across one hundred and seven house, four businesses, and three highway overpasses. The display held an impressive two hundred twenty six thousand nine hundred and thirty-two lights. The entire display was synchronized to music and when moving from the Eastern most point to the Western you could watch as the display played out Carol of the Bells. A billboard displayed six ten second loops that directed motorists to one of six radio stations people could tune to in order to listen to the music as they drove. Sadly the display went mostly unnoticed as most drivers either: didn’t tune in the necessary radio station, were traveling faster than the posted speed, or both and missed the entire effect.
12/17/2014: Some of you may remember the disgraceful and
violent clash that occurred on this day in 2009 in the town of Carter, Maine.
It was covered by cable news networks, and showed footage of several groups
becoming involved in a riot at the towns Nativity. What most people don’t know
is t hat the fighting as shown on most news programs lasted for roughly
forty-five seconds before calmer heads prevailed. You after months of
preparations the town of Carter, Maine was ready to open their holiday
pavilion. Unfortunately, pressure put on the new Mayor from cable news networks
and political backers coerced the Mayor into changing the pavilion from an all
inclusive celebration of multiple holidays into a Christmas only themed park.
Several independent groups who had raised money for the pavilion and were
prepared to visit the holiday spectacular were disappointed to find that none
of the other promised holidays were visible in anyway. Those present were
encouraged by some news networks to question the Mayor’s actions and his
intentions from the beginning. When confronted during his opening speech the
Mayor became defensive and as several news networks hollered questions at the
various people in the crowd the situation grew tense. We may never know who
threw the offending rock that started the fight in full but we do know it was
Tractor John, who had been passing through on his way north that stopped the
conflict. Tractor John stepped in seconds after the now infamous photo of the
Mayor swinging the statue of the Baby Jesus as a club at a local Rabbi who was
holding a broken Menorah like a sword was taken. Standing between the Mayor and
a local Rabbi, Tractor John wrestled their weapons from their hands and gave a
speech that halted the crowd. I was not there that day and can’t recreate the
speech in it’s entirety but I know this the first line was the question, “Are
you out of your damn minds?” The speech ended with a plea and the question,
“are you doing this for them?” Tractor John pointed at a gathered group of
children, all of them belonging to the various adults who had started fighting
in the middle of the square. The children had gathered together, without
thought of religion or holiday. They were all just afraid of what their parents
were doing. The crowd grew quiet and after a moment a small girl in a green
coat cried out for her mommy. The crowd that had been so set on each others destruction
instantly dissolved as parents and children ran to one another and joined in
the middle. None of this was covered in the news for reasons I choose not to go
into now, but I will always remember the stories of the Battle of the Five
Holidays as a reminder as to why we need to be a little more accepting these
days more than any other.
12/18/2014: In 1976 Tractor John mastered calligraphy
specifically for holiday thank you notes and cards. December is the only time
he wrote that way.
12/19/2014: In 1969 Tractor John worked as a penguin
wrangler.
12/20/2014: In 1983 Tractor John was part of the world record
largest gift exchange. The exchange consisted of 2831 people in 56 different
countries. Tractor John gave a young girl in London, England a collection of
signed books by her favorite author. He received a hand knitted sweater from a
goat farmer in Greece; he wore the sweater every Christmas. In order to keep
the tradition, this year his daughter will be wearing the sweater.
12/21/2014: Tractor John hand forged his own Christmas bells.
Each of his friends has received a custom set with individual attributes and
metals that reflect themselves. For example, the set I was given contains
twenty bells forged of a mixture of copper and Kevlar. The largest bell is
formed into the shape of a quill feather roughly four inches long with the bell
portion being a drop of ink hanging off the writing end. They are attached to
leather, violet dyed harness that was fitted to be attached to the hood of my
car between the top of the hood and the hood ornament, a raven in flight. The
belt is inscribed with a quote form Terry Pratchett and each bell has the name
of a different author stenciled in very elaborate script around the base. The
quote, in case you’re interested, is from the Hogfather and reads,
“Humans need fantasy to be human.”
The authors are: Piers Anthony, Terry Brookes, Jim Butcher,
Peter David, Neil Gaiman, Gary Gygax, Jack Kirby, Louis L’amore, Brendan
LaSalle, Stan Lee, Edgar Allen Poe, Terry Pratchett, Rick Riordan, John Rogers,
J.K. Rowling, Mickey Spillane, William Shakespeare, Kurt Vonnegut, and Joss
Whedon. The quill has Steve Mayne inscribed up the rachis. He gave it too me
the year I got my first piece published.
12/22/2014: Tractor John met all three of his wives on
Christmas.
12/23/2014: In 1982 Tractor John and his friends Safari Pete
and Shotgun O’Donnell followed the path of the three wise men on a bet. They
rode camels, slept in tents, and tracked the journey by the stars. They also
got completely lost and ended up arriving in Bucharest on January 3rd.
12/24/2014: It’s just past midnight and I’m sitting in my
room in Lahr, Germany getting ready for bed. Tomorrow the group will be heading
out to patrol for the Krampus. Tonight before I head off to bed I was trying to
think of something nice to say about Tractor John that we might remember him
and instead I decided that I would do something else. To Tractor John’s
daughter, Christina Eve Osborne, I wish you a Merry Christmas and happy
birthday. I know you often worried about what your father thought of you and
your choices. I want you to know that he was always proud of you. Whether it
was your time as a fashion model in Paris or when you retired from the runway
to follow your true passion and become a forest ranger in Yosemite he always
took time to brag about what you had done and who you were. He was proud of
you. Sleep well; we’ll all see you for New Years.
12/25/2014: While working as a cross country trucker in 1971,
Tractor John stopped on Christmas morning at a little dinner in Wyoming. While
there he was joined for breakfast by Santa Claus. Santa said he went to that
dinner after completing his rounds because they had good coffee and the best
apple pie on the planet. Tractor John would often say that the coffee was in
fact decent and he has never had a pie that good since. Oddly, Tractor John was
never able to find that diner again, despite looking for it every time he
travels that stretch of road through Wyoming.
12/26/2014: Tractor John was one of the original test drivers
for the Tesla. While he likes the car he never purchased one as it never came
in his favorite color.
12/27/2014: There are several accounts of Tractor John
catching a bullet with his bare hands. I can’t say if this is true or not as he
never answered when I asked if it was. I will say that he had excellent
reflexes.
12/28/2014: While Tractor John was accompanying President
Bush on a road tour due to his exceptional skills at pinochle. During the trip
Tractor John was present at the Presidents speech where what is now referred to
as the incident occurred. While he has never revealed any of the details of the
incident though his actions that day are now taught as part of the secret
service training course in reaction plans.
12/29/2014: Tractor John is a trained bear boxer. His record
was 22-7.
12/30/2014: In parts of Eastern Europe, Tractor John is
considered a folk hero and a serious debate in some circles exists as to
whether or not he really exists.
12/31/2014: This will be the first time since 1976 that
Tractor John hasn’t been present at Times Square for New Years Eve.
01/01/2015: Tractor John celebrated every New Years day by
holding a large BBQ for all of his friends. In the past thirty-five years
nothing halted this party. He has cooked out in blizzards, hail storms, cold
snaps, torrential rains, and one out of season tornado that passed within two
miles of his home.
01/02/2015: Tractor John once fought seven heavy weight
boxers for charity. The fights took place over the course of ten days and
Tractor John won none of the bouts. They did raise over twenty-two thousand
dollars.
01/03/2015: Tractor John is a skilled Flamenco dancer.
01/04/2015: In 2002, Tractor John celebrated the 25th
anniversary of Smokey and the Bandit by reenacting the beer run in the film.
01/05/2015: Tractor John has been present at the
announcement ceremony for nineteen of the past twenty Oscars.
01/06/2015: Tractor John has never eaten celery.
01/07/2015: Today, the International Martial Arts
Committee voted to make a style of martial arts based solely on the actions of
Tractor John as the 13th official American Martial Art. While there
is still a lot of work to do, including naming the style, this is an amazing
first step and a fine tribute to such a great man.
01/08/2015: In 2007 Tractor John Osborn was in
consideration for the role of the American cousin of the Stig on British car
show, Top Gear. He was even suited for the outfit; ultimately they had to pass
because even with the helmet it was obvious that it was Tractor John.
01/09/2015: In 1967 Tractor John discovered that Elvis
Presley was his spirit animal.
01/10/2015: In 1983 Tractor John was hunted by six U.S.
Senators who mistook him for a homeless person. Over the course of three days
Tractor John evaded the Senator’s slowly picking them off one by one. In the
end Tractor John returned home with only slight scaring and a grisly collection
of silk power ties.
01/11/2015: Tractor John has eaten at every location that
appeared on Diners, Drive Ins’, and Dives. He also suggested six of them.
01/12/2015: Tractor John was once challenged to a duel
during a renaissance festival. He met his opponent on horseback in the joust
for a bout of three falls. After an afternoon spent acquiring equipment and
weaponry he met his opponent on the field of battle. Tractor John soundly won
three falls to none. When I asked him later where he had learned to joust he
referenced the book a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. To this day I
am unclear on whether he meant he read the book or was the Yankee.
01/13/2015: In 1983 Tractor John took part in building a
scale model of New York City out of gum drops. The project was going to be
thirty feet by twenty-five and fifteen feet high. It would take sixteen days to
complete and would have been glorious.
Unfortunately they built the project outside and it was destroyed in a
freak torrential downpour on the last day of construction. The only image of
the project that still survives is a photo of tractor John clinging to the side
of a slowly dissolving Empire State Building.
01/14/2015: Tractor John was a huge fan of theatre. He
would regularly attend Shakespeare in the park festivals and in a few instances
he even performed in some. He has played varied roles from Julius Creaser to
Shylock. He once told me that his love of the bard was only eclipsed by his
love of his family.
01/15/2015: Tractor John once fired the 4th of
July fireworks for the white house.
01/16/2015: A popular campfire story about a couple
parked in a secluded make-out spot and an escaped madman with a hook is
actually about a series of real events that occurred to Tractor John while he
was in high school. For those who have never heard the story I will retell it
here in a slightly abbreviated form and without the flashlight under my chin.
While on a date with a young woman from his class, Tractor John and his date
decided to park their car in a secluded area known to be frequented by more amorous
couples. While enjoying each others company and listening to the radio they
were interrupted by a news announcement. The announcement indicated that a
local asylum had an escape earlier that evening. The man who had left the area
was known to have killed at least three people and was easily identified by
abnormally large height and the hook that had replaced his right hand after a
farming accident in his youth. Tractor John’s date became nervous and claiming
to have heard something asked to be taken home. Tractor John agreed and as he
buckled himself in and started the car to take her home. At this point the
version of the story continues along several different paths, including the
murder of the couple, the discovery of the hook stuck in the door at the girls
home, and a few more exotic reveals. In reality as Tractor john started the
engine his door swung open and the man with the hook attempted to grab him and
drag him from the car. Tractor John was able us his skills as a varsity
wrestler to subdue the man and stuff him in the trunk. He then dropped the
young lady off at home and then drove his final passenger to the local
authorities.
01/17/2015: Tractor John was a hidden character in the
original Smash Brothers. To date he has never been unlocked.
01/18/2015: Tractor John was the baptized Godfather of
thirty-seven different people.
01/19/2015: In 1974 Tractor John fell three miles per
hour short of setting a new land speed record in his truck. The resulting
accident is the reason that he has never tried again; he doesn’t want to hurt
his truck that way again.
01/20/2015: In 2003 Tractor John walked into a toddlers
and tiaras pageant and beat-up all the parents. When asked why he would only
respond, “seriously?”
01/21/2015: Tractor John spent six weeks in 1987 training
with the Cincinnati Bengals. He had hoped to get to play in the regular season
but was unfortunately cut from the team when he accidently injured his third
quarterback during practice.
01/22/2015: Tractor John fears only one thing, clowns.
01/23/2015: Tractor John worked as a detective for with
the Chicago P.D. for six months before retiring. He has never discussed the
reasons for leaving the job though one night after a few too many drinks he
said there were just too many restrictions.
01/24/2015: In 1987 Tractor John worked with the Russian
space program to develop a method of transporting fuel across mountain terrain
without exploding. After six weeks they developed a system of magnetic tracks
that propelled the fuel canisters by train. The system worked well for six
months until a harsh winter and a series of avalanches destroyed several miles
of track.
01/25/2015: In 1973 Tractor John was hunted by an
Austrian bounty hunter for seven months. While the man harried his journeys
across America and turned up at some of the most inopportune moments. In the
end he simply went away, whether he gave up, found a new prey, or came upon a
tragedy no one knows.
01/26/2015: Tractor John could play three different
instruments, though no one knows what they were.
01/27/2015: Tractor Johns favorite speed bumps are those found in Utah.
01/28/2015: Due to different gun control laws throughout
the country Tractor John doesn’t carry a firearm in his truck. For security he
carries a claymore.
01/29/2015: In 1982 Tractor John was part of an
expedition to an Aztec temple. While inside he encountered pits, poison
spiders, dart traps, and a rolling boulder. There are many who have claimed
that his adventures in the temple were the inspiration for Raiders of the Lost
Ark. When asked about this Tractor John was always quick to point out that his
expedition took place a year after the film was released in theaters.
01/30/2015: Tractor John played football for one year in
high school until he was asked to step down from the team after injuring the
opposing coach in freak passing incident.
01/31/2015: Tractor John’s rig is recognized at sporting
events all over the world as the best tailgate spot known to man. The wings are
spicy, the burgers juicy, and a selection of regional specialties are always
available on request.
02/01/2015: In July of 1997, Tractor John had a
successful one man show on Broadway that lasted for three months. It focused on
stories from his life and featured three original songs from his days as a
Beatle.
02/02/2015: Official NFL records show that Tractor John threw the winning pass during a Super Bowl. An interesting side note, they do not show the team he played for, the year the pass was thrown, or the yards the pass traveled.
02/03/2015: Tractor John was a hidden summon in Final
Fantasy IX.
02/04/2015: In 1978 Tractor John entered into a monastery
in an attempt to better understand religion. When I later asked about his
experience he would only say, “I get it. It’s not for me, but I get it.”
02/05/2015: In 1983 Tractor John once worked in the U.N.
as a Spanish translator despite the fact that he doesn’t speak any Spanish.
Oddly, in the six months he worked there, it never came up once.
02/06/2015: In 1993 Tractor John accidentally smuggled
two tons of Hostess Fruit Pies into Utah.
02/07/2015: Tractor John was present at the invention of
Buffalo wings. He was sitting at the next table over trying to decide what to
eat when they were brought out to a nearby table. The smell so intrigued him
that it was Tractor John who ordered the second plate ever made.
02/08/2015: Tractor John is such an accomplished yodeler
that he can be heard on thirty-seven different country songs and one solo
yodeling album.
02/09/2015: For six months in 1984 Tractor John survived
on peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches and root-beer floats.
02/10/2015: Tractor John was measured at a 257 on the
Franklin Scale that is used to measure common sense. His was the fourth highest
score ever recorded.
02/11/2015: In July of 1987 Tractor John built one of the
largest Rube Goldberg devices ever made. It featured 2431 moving pieces,
including 12 animals. It was so large it covered an entire football field. The
device would take 4 hours and 32 minutes to function. It’s was designed to open
can of soda. In the end it was only operated once and stopped functioning
correctly around the 3 hour mark when instead of rolling a bowling ball down a
ramp into a bucket it launched the bowling ball 600 yards through the air into
a nearby bowling alley where it bowled a strike.
02/12/2015: During his senior year in high school Tractor
John was part of a club that was dedicated to solving mysteries. The team
included three other students and an overly communicative ocelot.
02/13/2015: Tractor John is credited with inventing seven
different dance moves.
02/14/2015: Tractor John was recognized as one of the
world’s greatest romantics. He even taught a seminar every year in Spain on the
art of romance and seduction. The seminar was traditionally held two weeks
before Valentine’s Day in order to give the several hundred men taking the
seminar the time necessary to prepare for the day. Tractor John’s efforts in
the name of romance were recognized by the International Woman’s Council in
2003 for all of his efforts.
02/15/2015: Tractor John social security number has been
classified by the U.S. government because it is also the latitude and longitude
coordinates for one of their secure secret facilities.
02/16/2015: Tractor John is the only person exempt from
the car insurance laws.
02/17/2015: Tractor John has mastered the practice of
drift racing. He is also the only person in the world who has successfully
drifted a semi with the trailer attached.
02/18/2015: Tractor John was a licensed reenacter in
thirteen different genres.
02/19/2015: In 1983 during a drunken stupor Tractor John
took and passed the New Orleans bar exam and is now licensed to practice law
there. He only had three clients and won every case.
02/20/2015:
Tractor John worked for four months as a human cannonball in 1983.
02/21/2015: In 1973 Tractor John was forced by an insane
dictator to take part in an arena free-for-all to the death. With thirty three
competitors in the arena odds on Tractor John were 12 to 1. Sadly, he was not
victorious.
02/22/2015: Tractor John has never been snowbound in his life. He has always managed to get out of his house and drive where he needed to go. This includes the time his house was surrounded by twelve foot drifts.
02/23/2015: In 1983 Tractor John was one of the
forty-seven people who successfully made the world record attempt to gat as
many people as possible into a single Ford Pinto. Tractor John was very proud
of the success but claimed that since that day he couldn’t use his left are
with smelling walnuts and he had no idea why.
02/24/2105: Despite multiple attempts to reach the tops
of several of the worlds tallest mountains Tractor John has never made it to
the peak of any of them.
02/25/2015: In 1972 Tractor John spent three months as a
masked vigilante in Boston. Known as Captain Tractor he worked as a member of
the Justice Trio alongside White Dynamite, Madame Wonder, and the Chainsaw Kid.
In the three months they were active crime dropped by twenty percent. The group
retired after a disastrous encounter with drug lord Tony the Squirrel DaVincnt
that left four square blocks of city a ash charred lot, thirty seven Cadillac’s
belonging to the drug lord a twisted wreck, and Kid Chainsaw with a severe
limp.
02/26/2015: Tractor John was one of the few people to
drive a non-Ferrari on the Ferrari test track. He drove his Mac rig with a
trailer and failed to set a track record by 13.4 seconds.
02/27/2015: Tractor John visited a psychic once in 1973. He
said he would never visit another one because the woman he saw told him the ten
great moments that he would experience in his life. When I last saw him in July
of 2014 he claimed to have just experienced the sixth.
02/28/2015: Tractor John played linebacker in an underground
prison football league for six months in 1992.
02/29/2015: Tractor John celebrated Leap Year every year.
02/29/2015: Tractor John celebrated Leap Year every year.
03/01/2015: Tractor John knitted all of his own blankets from
yarn he made himself using fleece from the sheep he raised on his own ranch the
Golden Kaiju.
03/02/2015: Tractor John has never been to Chile, despite
this there are several warrants for his arrest.
03/03/2015: Tractor John once entered a hotdog eating contest
and finished with a total score of 0 because they refused to bring him mustard.
03/04/2015: Tractor John has a permanent seat on the floor of
Congress. To date no one knows how he got it or what side it’s on.
03/05/2015: Tractor John was a huge fan of professional
Croquet.
03/06/2015: Tractor John’s favorite food was Mickey’s chili
Pizza. I have no idea who Mickey is, but as best anyone can figure he lives in
Chicago.
03/07/2015: There is a legend that the game Pac-man is based
on a weekend that Tractor John spent in Tokyo in 1963. Whether or not this is
true is anyone’s guess.
03/08/2015: By law in the United States daylight savings time
ceases to be in effect anywhere Tractor John takes up residence for more than
six months until such a time as he moves on.
03/09/2015: North Dakota is the only place in the world where
you can legally acquire a license to hunt Tractor John. Incidentally, Tractor
John season is from July 17th through the 21st.
03/10/2015: Despite a standing invitation, Tractor John has
never danced with the Rockettes.
03/11/2015: There are some law enforcement agencies that
believe that Tractor John is also world renowned jewel thief the Chartreuse
Jackalope. Whether or not this is true as never been proven, though even I will
admit that it is impressive how often Tractor John has been in a city where the
Chartreuse Jackalope has performed some daring robbery.
03/12/2015: Tractor John spent days at a bed and breakfast in
Kentucky where he accidentally signed up for an alien abduction workshop. He
said that over all there was a lot of useful information given out over the
weekend but he felt they really glossed over what to do if when they’re hostile
and not just interested in recreational research probing.
03/13/2015: The game Cards Against Humanity has a weird
misprint where every once in a while a random card in any set can be replaced
with a card that reads Tractor John. No one knows why this is happening or what
caused the bug. Even the company is confused as they had never heard of him
until the error started to occur. With that being said, they have decided to
roll with it and just let the mistake happen since most people don’t realize
it’s a mistake anyway.
03/14/2015: Tractor John was instrumental in making March
fourteenth pi day. Originally it was going to be August eighth since, like pie,
all the numbers are round.
03/15/2015: According to DC cannon, Tractor John is the only
right answer to who can beat Batman in a fight.
03/16/2015: In most government plans to deal with a massive
national or global disaster there is a section called the Tractor John
initiative. The initiative is often a rallying cry or staged support program
that helps rescue survivors and begin the process of rebuilding the country.
How Tractor John came to be recognized by the groups creating these plans is
unknown; even Tractor John claimed to have no idea how the programs attached
his name.
03/17/2015: While Saint Patrick drove the snakes from
Ireland, it is Tractor John who comes in every six months to make sure they
stay out.
03/18/2015: Tractor John Osborn is prevented by law from
wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day in fourteen states, three countries, and the
international space station.
03/19/2015: In the 1980’s Tractor John accidently developed a
fad diet. The Truckers diet consisted of the participants mostly eating foods
found in typical truck stops. Several cookbooks were written, three of them
appearing on the New York Times best sellers list.
03/20/2015: Tonight a documentary about the life of Tractor John will premiere at the SxSW film festival. This is the fifth documentary about Tractor John that has been produced but the first one to cover his childhood in any meaningful fashion. Until now all such documentaries have chosen to focus on his more exceptional accomplishments, many found in his adult life. I was interviewed for the documentary, and am looking forward to seeing it this evening.
03/21/2015: Tractor John was required to notify authorities
at least two days prior to shopping at any home improvement center. The federal
law was passed in 1998 after Tractor John stopped the robbery of a Furrow by
using several of the tools present. It took a professional cleaning crew that
specialized in crime scenes three days just to get rid of the smell.
03/22/2015: Historians at Pembridge University recently
unearthed a lost section of the Viking Ragnarok legend. The piece they
uncovered is an epic poem of conquest that focuses on a lost warrior named
Tractor John. While it is completely impossible that the legend is referring to
the Tractor John we all know and love, it is of interest that the description
of the mythic Tractor John matches our friend almost exactly.
03/23/2015: While Tractor John has had many adventures and
touched many lives he never once saved a princess. He has saved seven different
princes, but has never been needed to rescue a princess. I once asked him why
and he responded that in his experience, as the song goes, princesses were
usually capable of rescuing themselves.
03/24/2015: In 1984, Tractor John took part in a reenactment
event that took place on the lawn of the White House. He portrayed a member of
the human resistance facing off against a hostile alien invasion force. It was
the first and thus far only reenactment that has been allowed to occur on the
White House lawn.
03/25/2015: Tractor John is the patron saint of a clan of
Ninjas, though even he was unsure of how exactly that happened.
03/26/2015: Tractor John is officially recognized as a member
of both the FBI and the KGB.
03/27/2015: Tractor John appeared on 15 episodes of Soul
Train.
03/28/2015: Tractor John holds the world record for hosting
the most attended toga party during the last week of August in 1985 on Baker Beach
in San Francisco. The party was so large that it attracted media attention. The
party was so well received that some participants have gathered on the
anniversary of the celebration every year since.
03/29/2015: Tractor John was considered as a host for a Food
Network Show focusing on truck stop cuisine. He spent several week developing
the program with producers and even had chosen a few of his favorite recipes
for the pilot. In the end the network decided to go with a charming woman who
could cook an entire meal in half an hour.
03/30/2015: In 2008 Tractor John graduated with a degree in
professional weasel wrangling.
03/31/2015: For three weeks in 1976, Tractor John’s skin
turned orange due to his eating an unusually large amount of carrot cake.
04/01/2015: On this day in 2004 Tractor John helped stop a
hostile takeover of a flight to Palm Springs. A desperate young man attempted
to take over the flight using a modified leaf blower that he modified to
function as flamethrower fueled by airline peanuts and exactly 1/3 a can of
diet soda. Tractor John was able to disarm the young man and disable his weapon
due to his years of experience with lawn care. The event was reported by
homeland security to the nation’s media, who felt the entire story was some
sort of practical joke and didn’t report on it. Tractor John received an award
of merit from the president, official recognition from Homeland Security, and
three free flights from the airline. Additionally, the list of items banned
from airlines was expanded to include the leaf blower.
04/02/2015: Tractor John is only legally allowed to enter
Arkansas for seven hours at a time.
04/03/2015: Tractor John was mentioned in the notes for
several medical journal written in the 1980’s due to his preternatural ability
to avoid disease. There were some theories that his blood could function as a
natural vaccine though no tests were ever done.
04/04/2015: Tractor John once held the largest Easter egg
hunt in U.S. history. It covered nearly 2 square miles of land and include 2500
colored eggs, 1000 plastic eggs, and 500 hand-carved wooden eggs. The hunt drew
2800 participants and lasted for three hours. In the end everything but 3
colored eggs and 2 plastic eggs were found.
04/05/2015: Tractor John once belonged to a international
rescue organization that focused on helping anyone in need. He was recruited as
a member due to his expertise with big rig trucking. They even developed a
special truck with a trailer filled with various pieces of rescue equipment. Interestingly
when I discussed writing about it today with some of his other friends, none of
us could remember when he stopped being a member.
04/06/2015: Tractor John has never been to San Jose, despite
knowing the way.
04/07/2015: Tractor John has the only valid license to
operate a nuclear submarine that is held by a private citizen.
04/08/2015: In a recent mayoral election in Chicago, Tractor
John received 2% of the vote despite being legally dead and not appearing on
the ballot.
04/09/2015: Tractor John has a Youtube channel that no one
has been able to find, but apparently has over 2100 videos.
04/10/2015: The state dish of New Mexico is the Tractor John
Blue plate special.
04/11/2015: Tractor John’s favorite holiday was International
Table Top Day.
04/12/2015: Tractor John has walked across Japan on three
separate occasions.
04/13/2015: In 1987 Tractor John was inducted into the
Vatican Hall of Fame.
04/14/2015: Though he never spoke of it, Tractor John
belonged to a Fight Club for six years.
04/15/2015: In Romania Tractor John is widely regarded as a
16th century folktale.
04/16/2015: Tractor John owed a thriving furniture
manufacturing business under the name Crazy John the Couchman.
04/17/2015: Tractor John has been in the background of seven
episodes of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.
04/18/2015: Whatever side Tractor John fights for during a
historical reenactment always wins regardless of accuracy.
04/19/2015: Tractor John was a noted puppeteer, and has often
been cited in books dedicated to the subject.
04/20/2015: A statue dedicated to Tractor John was erected in
Hoboken; no one is certain why.
04/21/2015: In 1983 Tractor John was part of an agency
exchange that had him working form Mexican Secret Service for six months.
During that time he helped bring down one of the largest drug cartels in North
American history. The operation involved working with a group of Mexican
Special Forces and infiltrating a underwater base built into the side of a
volcanic island off the west coast of Mexico. Due to his actions during the
operation he was awarded the Mexican Medal for Outstanding Service; an award
given to only three non-Mexican citizens.
04/22/2015: Tractor John is considered directly responsible
for many Auto Insurance companies adopting an industry standard known as the
Yeti Clause. Interestingly, even though it is referred to as the Yeti Clause it
covers encounters with Bigfoots, sasquatches, and chupacabras in addition to
Yeti’s. There is also a sub-clause specifically referring to Locke monsters for
boat insurance.
04/23/2015: Tractor John once lived for an entire year on
popcorn and peanut butter & Jelly sandwiches.
04/24/2015: Tractor John was known as an avid merry-go-round
enthusiast.
04/25/2015: Tractor John never left less than a 22% tip when
dining out.
04/26/2015: Tractor John enjoys watching telenovelas, he was
particularly fond of Malhacao, having discovered it in 1998 while visiting
Brazil.
04/27/2015: As a matter of luck Tractor John refused to eat
green jelly beans.
04/28/2015: In 1993, after watching the film for the first
time, Tractor John and a group of his friends which I was a part of, spent
three weeks building a bridge on the river Kwai. Unlike the film it was decided
that we wouldn’t destroy the bridge when finished. However, nature took care of
this six months later when the bridge was destroyed in a flood.
04/29/2015: Tractor John appeared as a contestant on Singled Out on three separate occasions.
04/30/2015: Today is the thirtieth anniversary of Tractor
John’s second marriage. On this day he entered into a green card marriage so he
wouldn’t have to leave France.
05/01/2015: Tractor John worked as an e-sports caster in 1978
during the 2nd annual Pong national Championship.
05/02/2015 Tractor John is credited with thirty-seven
different inventions by the U.S. Patent Office, all but one of them is related
to big rig trucks.
05/03/2015: In 1997 Tractor John won a 2 million dollar
lottery along with one million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred
and eighty-seven other people.
05/04/2015: Despite having a home within walking distance,
Tractor John never attended the Kings Island Amusement Park.
05/05/2015: Tractor John is a master at preparing Bento
Boxes.
05/06/2015: Tractor John looked so much like a particular
third world dictator that he was able to help the CIA replace him in 1976 for
six months. During the time he was in charge the country experienced a
remarkable spike in growth in its economy, quality of life, and tourism.
Tractor John was extracted by the CIA shortly after installing a democratic
government.
05/07/2015: In some parts of the United States Tractor John
is known as the King of all Trailer Parks. The title allows him to camp
wherever he wishes for no lot fees, unrestricted access to all pools even when
a lifeguard is unavailable, and three dollars and fifty cents worth of food
from vending machines every day.
05/08/2015: Tractor John experienced two different traditions
involving the Stanley Cup. In 1974 he joined the Philadelphia Flyers taking
turns drinking Champaign and then beer from the cup. Then in 1981 he sadly
joined the NHL security forces the night before the big game in their twenty
year tradition of taking turns and urinating in the cup.
05/09/2015: The Prince Charming used in three separate animated films were based on Tractor John.
05/10/2015: Every year on Mother’s day Tractor John held a
massive brunch at his farmhouse for family and friends to bring their mothers
and enjoy a hearty home cooked meal.
05/11/2015: Tractor John’s response to the Red Wedding was to drive cross country and punch George Martin in the stomach.
5/12/15: Tractor John loved a good Palindrome as much as the next guy.
05/13/2015: Tractor John spent three years in the 1980’s driving a fuel tanker truck through the Australian Outback. He considered this the most dangerous job he ever held. This was mostly due to the roving band of road pirates the traveled the highways raiding any vehicle they came across.
05/14/2015: Tractor John’s top ten favorite cites to visit were Chicago, Indianapolis, Star, Central, Paris, Coast, Dublin, Twin Peaks, Orlando, and Botany Bay.
05/15/2015: The song Baby’s Got Back was about ribs until Tractor John pointed out another possible another possible meaning for the lyrics during a BBQ.
05/16/2015: Tractor John worked as in industrial espionage for six months in 1997 before deciding the work just wasn’t for him.
05/17/2015: In 1985 Tractor John was one of six guests at a dinner party hosted at a large estate where a murder occurred. In few hours following the murder Tractor John was able to figure out what had happened discovering not only who the killer was but what weapon they used and where they committed the crime.
05/18/2015: Ever since the Luau incident of 1992 Tractor John has been forbidden from returning to Hawaii.
05/19/2015: Tractor John was part of NYC’s initial attempt at a cyber-crimes department in 1982. Sadly the attempt failed and the idea was scrapped for several years before the technological requirements were met for such a group. Despite its initial failure, Tractor John and several of the other members were often called on to consult.
05/20/2015: Tractor John was one of only six people to enter a black hole and survive. The event occurred outside of Flagstaff Arizona in 1977. The hole appeared during a little league ball game and Tractor John was pulled in when wandering too close on his way back from the concession stand. He was gone for approximately seventeen minutes before reappearing. When asked about the other side he would only say, “It tasted like purple.”
05/21/2015: Tractor John’s favorite television program was Golden Girls. He enjoyed the show so much he would make a point of being in the studio audience at least once a year. On separate occasions he met each of the shows stars and became such a regular in the audience that in the final season they wished him a happy birthday in the shows credits.
05/22/2015: In response to investment capitalist J Waybax bilking his clients for three point six million dollars in 1983, Tractor John and a crew of sixteen people decided to con him out of as much of his money as possible in order to return it to his victims. They entered into a con that was so massively successful that it is now taught in several legal, security, and law enforcement classes as an example of the perfect crime. It was so well done that despite law enforcement knowing who was involved and what they did they have been unable to figure out how to charge the individuals involved since they never touched any of the money. In fact of the matter, Waybax was ultimately responsible for returning the cash himself.
05/23/2015: Tractor John once spent six months in Iowa helping to found a school marching band.
05/24/2015: Tractor John was a professional comic artist for six days before he and his employers
realized he had no artistic ability.
05/25/2015: Tractor John spent every Memorial Day placing flowers on the graves of soldiers in whatever city and country he happened to be in on that day.
05/26/2015: Every year on May 26th Tractor John would gather several friends and watch a John Wayne movie marathon.
05/27/2015: Tractor John once arm wrestled a bear, a kangaroo, and a gorilla in one sitting to raise money for charity. He lost only 1 match of the three.
05/28/2015: Tractor John was easily recognizable in Ecuador by the tartan sombrero he was required to wear by law.
05/29/2015: Tractor John once won an award for a military version of hide and seek played with Special Forces snipers, Navy SEAL’s, and Rangers.
05/30/2015: A list of Tractor John’s personal rules has appeared in print in thirty-two different countries, translated into twenty-four languages. It is a one hundred and thirty page document consisting of 114 rules with a short story relating to each one. It has appeared on the New York Times best seller list at three separate times.
05/31/2015: For six months in 1983, Tractor John would only eat foods cooked over an open flame.
06/01/2015: Tractor John’s favorite condiment was sundried tomato mayonnaise.
06/02/2015: Not many people realize that National Bubba Day was born from a request made by Tractor John in 1984 in honor of his cousin Professor Bubba Osborn. When I asked him why he’d done it, he would only respond, “it was for a debt owed and now paid.”
06/03/2015: Tractor John has attended every Origins Game Fair since its founding in 1975.
06/04/2015: In honor of Tractor John and his tradition of eating a Thurman burger on the first day of Origins, several of his friends will be going to Thurman’s and ordering a burger for themselves.
06/05/2015: Tractor John’s favorite event at Origins was the Smithee Awards. This was partly due to his enjoyment of the show, the audience, and the festive atmosphere maintained by those running the event and partly because he had been nominated for six different awards under three different names for five different movies.
06/06/2015: Tractor John once claimed the best way to experience Origins was to sit in the Board game room all day meeting new people. To that end, many of his friends who are in attendance will be spending the entire day in that room.
06/07/2015: Tractor John will be remembered on the last day of Origins with a small memorial. There was some concern offered by several attendees that they wouldn’t get to say good-bye in a respectful manner. Tickets are limited due to the room space available, but please feel free to show up with generics.
06/08/2015: There are some groups of penguins that recognize pictures of Tractor John and worship him as some form of god. Zoologists have been baffled by this phenomenon since it was first discovered in 1997. They have been further confounded when they learned that it did not apply to only penguins in the wild. Entire collections of penguins in various zoos across the world have also responded to photos. Thus far no one has been able to determine which groups of penguins will respond and which will fail to react. Most troubling, is that a few groups have been found to react violently to the photos of Tractor John, though there have only been three recorded instances of this reaction, the first in 2013, they have resulted in at least one death.
06/09/2015: In 1992 Tractor John was made an honorary member of the Sherlock Holmes society despite the fact that he has no idea who the character is.
06/10/2015: Tractor John’s motto was, “A smile is nice, but nothing says happy like jazz hands.” This of course explains every picture taken of him since 1983.
06/11/2015: There was a short lived MMO based on the life and adventures of Tractor John Osborn. It was cancelled after being live for only three days due to the high number of real world deaths caused by heart failure incited by the epic levels of action.
06/12/2015: Tractor John was one of the world’s foremost experts on imaginary dinosaurs.
06/13/2015: Tractor John once battled a horde of ninjas from the Gorilla Clan on top of the Empire State Building.
06/14/2015: This was to be the first time Tractor John would be able to attend Dream Hack in Sweden. He was so looking forward to the festival he had purchased tickets for several family members and a few friends. Sadly, no one knew he had done this until recently and as such none of them are in attendance.
06/15/2015: Tractor John was well known for the signature jams and jellies that he crafted from a secret recipe he developed over thirty years of experimentation. His jams are so well known that they were the only kind served in the White House until last week when the final jar was opened and used.
06/16/2015: In portions of Norway Tractor John is recognized as a Jarl.
06/17/2015: Several of the most recent advances in PC gaming were a direct result of Tractor John asking for a more in depth registration process.
06/18/2015: There is a mountain range in Texas that has been decorated by naturalists who spent six years planting trees and flowers to cause the Mountain range to appear as Tractor John’s profile when viewed from orbit.
06/19/2015: In 1976 Tractor John and his friends George and Steven were discussing a new movie George had written. During the discussion George mentioned a mystical power that existed in the universe he had created and he wasn’t certain exactly what to call it. He had narrowed it down to two separate names and wondered which his friends thought he should use. Tractor John and Steven disagreed on the name they preferred and a drinking contest ensued. After several hours of shots Steven finally emerged triumphant and that is why we don’t say, “May the Flux be with you.”
06/20/2015: Tractor John has never paid full price for a movie, regardless of the time at which he attended.
06/21/2015: Tractor John is not legally allowed to date residents of the State of Hawaii.
06/23/2015: Tractor John once wrestled a bear while it was attempting still a picnic basket from his car.
06/24/2015: There are those who say Tractor John was born seven months premature.
06/25/2015: Over the years Tractor John and his daughter had a tradition of attending football games of his favorite team, the Cincinnati Bengals. During her youth he has started a practice of traveling on weekend trips to see the Bengals at various stadiums around the country. At the time of his death they had visited every stadium except that of the San Francisco 49re’s. They had hoped to attend this upcoming season.
06/26/2015: Tractor John is the subject of a popular Ukrainian children’s show. A puppet of him hosts the show and spends the time educating and entertaining children with songs, skits, and stories.
06/27/2015: Tractor John was the only citizen in the United States registered to vote under the Fancy Hats party.
06/28/2015: Using the 1979 Birddorff’s Book of Baby names, Tractor John tried to date a woman with each name in the book at least once. When he died he was missing, Samantha, Brenda, Tomo, and Valencia. He once had a chance to date a girl named Valencia but had to cancel at the last minute on account of being abducted by the government; though no one is sure which one.
06/29/2015: By legal definition, as provided by the States Supreme Court, Tractor John is classified as an illegal immigrant in Montana.
06/30/2015: Tractor John never cold hold his breath for twelve minutes. He practiced the skill with the mistaken belief that it was required to enter the Boy Scouts.
07/01/2015: In the third grade John made a piece of macaroni art depicting the marriage of Lord Vestial of France to the Duchess Lydia of Germany. It is believed to be one of the few representations of the event and was crafted with such skill it was sought after by many groups. It currently hangs in the Smithsonian.
07/02/2015: In 1973 Tractor John and several friends worked together to set the world record for the shortest amount of time necessary to build a house. There was a slight footnote to the record, the Amish have frequently able to build a house in a fraction of the time it took Tractor John and his friends, however they have never submitted to an official time keeper and thus have no official time.
07/03/2015: Tractor John is widely known as the Tasmanian Devils only natural predator.
07/04/2015: Tractor John has slept in the historic homes of every member of the original Continental Congress. This was not always done with the permission of the site.
07/05/2015: Tractor John claimed the four most important things in life are, the love of a good person, faith enough in yourself to be on your own, and good math skills.
07/06/2015: A popular paint manufacturer has a color named TJE Green; it is a lustrous emerald with flecks of blue. The name apparently stands for Tractor John’s Eye’s.
07/07/2015: Based on the official State currency of Kentucky, Beaver Pelts, Tractor John was the richest Appalachian in the world.
07/08/2015: Several of Tractor John’s squirrel recipes are featured in nearly sixteen of the finest restaurants in New York.
07/09/2015: In 1976 Tractor John was in attendance at Comic Con where he was able to attend a panel on Star Wars. He enjoyed the then unheard of access to an upcoming movie and commented to one of the convention runners that it was a highlight for the weekend and wondered if they would do more like that in the future.
07/10/2015: Tractor John was a world champion Alligator Wrestler. Not the animal the college sports team.
07/11/2015: Tractor John has battled the forces of evil in many forms; everything from religious zealots and terrorists, to pirates and undeadish hordes.
07/12/2015: Tractor John was a talented pilot and was capable of controlling several different varieties of aircraft. He had even set several records in both helicopters and planes.
07/13/2015: Tractor John once purchased a forgotten classic, the 1932 Montor Verve in the original green. Considered by many collectors to be one of the first sports cars, it was manufactured by a small New Jersey based company in a very limited number. Tractor John purchased the car with the intention of driving it cross country. The trip lasted five hours and forty-two miles at which point the Verve broke down, rusted through, and exploded in a ball of blue flames.
07/14/2015: Tractor John owed an amusement park for six months in 1983. The park was themed around various Italian food dishes. In the end Tractor John always felt Spaghetti World was probably destined to fail.
07/15/2015: Tractor John set the world record for longest ride on a Ferris wheel in 2004. He rode the ride for seven days, six hours, and fourteen minutes. Though there has always been some dispute of the record since he was being held hostage at the time.
07/16/2015: Tractor John once starred in the all woman one man show of The Music Man with seven of his closest friends.
07/17/2015: Tractor John is a firm believer in the idea that all men are created equal, with the possible exception of Burt Reynolds who’s probably a little bit better than all of us.
07/18/2015: In 1985 Tractor John founded the first ever John Deere Workshop program where fellow tractor enthusiast could gather to show off and critique each other’s custom body and motor work. The program swelled in attendance over the last thirty years and this year reached an astounding 250 participants.
07/19/2015: Tractor John’s favorite television program was Circus of the Star. During the shows run he not only watched the program but eventually worked his way up to being one of the many crew members. His years of traveling with the circus in his youth as one of the many truck drivers was well rewarded here. He was able to participate in a few of the acts as well. By the end of the shows run he had appeared on screen as a clown, an aerialist, a juggler, and one of a magician’s assistants. He often claimed it was the best time of his life making him feel more like a child than anything else.
07/20/2015: Tractor John was disqualified from the 1987 South Dakota State Fishing Championship and Crawfish cook-off when it was discovered that his chosen fishing method was depth charges.
07/21/2015: Tractor John would take all of his friends out to breakfast on their birthdays. It was a long standing tradition that no one really knows how it started. I’ve talked to as many of his friends as I know and we all remember being taken out to breakfast by Tractor John though none of us ever really remember when it started. His daughter told me that her father liked to spend at least one good meal with each of his friends, and figured that the birthday breakfast was a great way to do it. That way he got to spend at least some time with them every year and just sit and enjoy each other’s company. He wanted to let them have a moment where they were special even if it wasn’t going to be that way for long. Everyone that I talked to said that this year their birthdays were a little bit more melancholy for the lack of having breakfast with their friend.
07/22/2015: Tractor John is one of the world’s foremost experts on Dragons. He has written several anthropological texts on the subject and has even called into question the notion that early man and dinosaurs may have crossed paths thus giving rise to the myth.
07/23/2015: In 1974 Tractor John was officially inducted into the Justus League. Not to be confused with the Justice League, the Justus League is concerned with the preservation of its own self interests. When Tractor John learned he had joined the wrong league he became despondent and managed to have the Justus League disband. Until the end he hoped to one day be made a member of the other one but sadly never achieved that particular victory.
07/24/2015: Tractor John was a world class interpretive dancer. Not only were his dance performances well attended, despite their lack of frequency, advertisement, or advanced notice but they were trumpeted all over the world. Several bootleg DVD’s of his performances have shown up on the internet. The last one was so frequently downloaded it temporarily crashed the servers at Pirates Bay.
07/25/2015: Tractor John is believed to have held Pandora’s Box. In 1947 as part of an archeological dig in Greece he found an oblong wooden box covered in a series of reliefs depicting all the worst emotions of human kind. When he opened the box he found it inhabited by a small gentleman in a tuxedo bearing a top hat. The man introduced himself as David and asked if John wouldn’t mind closing the lid and hiding the box so no one could remove him from it. Apparently David felt that his removal would pretty much ruin everything. Tractor John did as he was asked and has never revealed the box’s location. It should be noted that this was the same summer that Tractor John was accidentally fed a batch of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Whether the two events are connected is unclear.
07/26/2015: Tractor John was a huge fan of the Cornetto Trilogy. He would sometimes scour blogs for information on filming locations in hopes of showing up and appearing as an extra. His work paid off in the final exterior shots of World’s End where he can be seen charging up the street in the films largest chase sequence. He would often show that sequence off with pride to anyone entering his home and even had a still from the film featuring a clear shot of himself behind Nick Frost blown up and framed. It was his hope to one day have the actor autograph it.
07/27/2015: In 2007 Tractor John set out to stand in five states at once after watching the Simpsons movie. While he knew the film was having fun with the states it used he was certain that there would be a place you could stand in five states at once. Sadly, in real life you can only stand in four states at the Four States Monument. After an exhaustive search he took a small chunk of his lawn from Ohio traveled to the monument and lacing his 1 foot square section of earth on the center spot managed to stand in five states at once.
07/28/2015: During his impetuous youth Tractor John was once involved in a high speed chases with a group of car thieves who had stolen his father’s Trans Am. The chased lasted for four hours and twenty-three, and crossed four states. By the time the thieves finally stopped running Tractor John had gathered a group of three friends who had joined in the chase. The showdown took place in the parking lot of an abandoned Wendy’s and lasted less than a minute. In the end the criminals gladly went to jail just so they could feel safe.
07/29/2015: In 1983 Tractor John spent three helping run a camp for underprivileged kids. The camp, Third Chance, was started by the Jones Triplets in an effort to give back to the community that they came from. Tractor John, an old friend of the Jones’ was more than happy to pitch in at the camp. Since that summer, he has spent time helping run the camp as often as possible. In fact he has only missed two summers since the beginning.
07/30/2015: In 1963 Tractor John was part of a popular gospel duo named Two Hearts for Jesus. He and Mary Jane Deuce traveled around the United States performing at churches, county fairs, Carnegie Hall, and even a command performance at the White House. They had two albums, Jesus Loves and Twice in a Lifetime. They performed together until Mary Jane married their manager and left performing behind. Over their career they had only a single number one hit, He Loves You Twice as Much as Yesterday. Though popular they were never a commercial success having existed at the beginning of the 8 track piracy craze.
07/31/2015: In 1971 Tractor John was the first man to be accepted to the Omega Nu Epsilon sorority. He entered during a point in his college career when he wanted to belong to something larger than himself and due to his simple upraising was unaware of the difference between sororities and fraternities. Despite this he was accepted with open arms and made an official sister of the sorority. This was due mostly in part to a membership requirement of six new members a year in order for the sisters to keep their charter and Tractor John was one of only six applicants. He chose the sisters because of their tireless community service, strict study habits, and they were the only house on campus with a color television. Despite his questionable entry into the group he has been considered a valued member since his induction. Oddly, since his joining zero other men have applied for a position in the group even though they have now included a provision that allows the pledging of one man a year.
In conclusion:
I want to thank everyone who has joined me on this weird strange journey. I started writing the Ballad of Tractor John on August 1st 2014 and wrote a different entry every day. There were challenges, going out of town would occasionally prevent me from being able to post since I didn’t have a laptop. My computer died and for three weeks and I was unable to post new entries; I did write one in a journal every day and posted them as soon as I was able.
I have been asked why I’m choosing not to continue writing for more than a year and honestly, I’m fairly certain I’ve repeated myself in the 366 entries above. I fear that I may do it again and wish to avoid it. The effort of coming up with something funny and clever on a daily basis is far more challenging than I would have guessed.
I am proud of the work I have done here and love that people have made it to this point. However, this is a story and every story needs an end. It is my belief that Tractor John is larger than life and all great legends end in only one of two ways. Here is the one I choose.
On August 31st, 2015 Tractor John’s single engine Cessna was discovered in the mountains of Greenland fifty miles North-North East of Kangerlussuaq. It is believed by investigators that he got caught in a freak blizzard and with limited instruments and visibility he tried to find the airport there and simply missed it. His plane went down near a small lumber town with no name. Locals report that the man identified as Tractor John from pictures arrived on August 2nd during an avalanche that had been triggered by the blizzard. The man single-handedly wadded into the snow and saved the lives of thirteen men and women. During his last excursion into the wilderness he helped save two brothers by pushing them behind a rock outcropping as a massive wave of snow barreled into him dragging him off into the night. When the weather cleared a massive man hunt was started to locate the man. After weeks of searching no evidence of his fate was discovered and he is believed dead. His plane was only found in the last few days when snows in the area thawed enough to make it visible.
In honor of Tractor John the town built a monument where he was last seen. Carved into the base is a simple sentence. “A great man was lost here.”
This week, myself, his friends, and a few of his family members will be traveling to Greenland to visit the monument.
Good-bye my friend.
