Another Difficult Topic

 

*Note* Much like the last time I wrote one of these, this is a rough piece. Like the last time I won’t be editing this, cleaning it up, or going back over it. I apologize for any disconnect in the words.

I was driving to the store when I heard about the capitol. I’ve wondered off and on if I’ll remember that the same way I remember being at work when 911 happened. I reacted the same to both, as soon as I had access to a TV, I turned it on to the news and followed along. In both instances I was angry, hurt, upset, and stunned. I wasn’t sure what would happen, if everyone would be all right, or even how long it would last.

In the time since I’ve gotten to think about that day and the people who were there. Not just the rioters and the politicians. There were other people there too. The congress had their staffers present. There were cleaning staff, security, and maintenance. I think there’s a cafeteria which means those folks were there too. I hope they were safe too. I don’t know though since no one talks about them.

I want to be angry about this.

On some level I am. I’m angry it happened, I’m angry people were surprised. I’m angry the National Guard wasn’t there because the Mayor’s request was turned down. I’m sure it’s because someone decided there wasn’t a credible threat. I wonder what they think now.

I’m mad at the politicians who pushed the fraud narrative without a single piece of proof. They keep saying they have it but never produce it. We’re just supposed to accept that it exists I guess. Funny how they won’t take our word for things that have studies backing them.

I’m mad at the media that backed them up. The ones who went out night after night and just kept spewing this information. Propping it up and calling it real. The ones who did it even though they couldn’t seem to provide any proof either.

I’m mad at Donald Trump for pushing the lie. Screaming it at the top of his lungs. For courting the people who did this. For calling out to them and telling them they were right.

I’m torn over being mad at the police. Some of them tried. They fought back; pepper spray, shields, and barricading doors. Some of them didn’t; opened gates, guided rioters, and had selfies and fist pumps once they were inside. There was even one officer I saw, alone, running from a crowd of armed men. The last I saw on the video was of him turning and readying his baton to try and hold them off before the video ended.

I want to be mad at the rioters. I really want to, but I can’t be any madder at them then I am at a bullet. That’s what they were; a bullet. The rally was the gun and Donald Trump aimed it at the Capitol (he even told them what road to take) and pulled the trigger. He had help, his son, Rudy. They all helped. “Trial by combat”…for fucks sake.

I want to be mad at the rioters but I keep thinking back to an interview I watched when I was in high school. A Jewish gentlemen whose family escaped Germany just before the war when he was a teenager talked about the night he broke curfew. He eft all of his identifying marks at home, snuck out of the house, and went to a Nazi rally to see what happened there. He recounted watching the soldiers, hearing the band, and listening to the speeches. Then he came out. The evening ended with Hitler speaking. The gentleman in the video talked about how the speech was long and powerful. During it he blamed the Jews for all of Germany’s ills and the crowd cheered; even that young Jewish teenager hidden among them. He was very specific about this part. You see he wasn’t cheering because he was afraid he’d be found out. He was caught up in the moment; calling for the cleansing of the Jews. It wasn’t until he got home, back in his room, and sat on his bed that he’d realized what he’d done that night.

He got out, he was lucky. I often think back to that interview I watched all those decades ago. It haunts me. I wish I could remember his name. I’d love to credit him here.

Because of that story I can’t completely hate the rioters. Not all of them. Some of them; yes, but not all.

I’d written an entire half a page on how they’d been lied to, but it’s unimportant here. I may write it again later. For now, let’s focus on that day.

I said earlier I don’t hate all of the police there but I do hate some of the rioters. The overlap is in that officer I saw on that video as he ran away. As armed men chased him, other officers posed for selfies and fist-bumped the rioters. Today I saw a photo of the one officer who died during this. I’m almost positive it was the same man. If I’m right then that video probably ends just before he did.

*Note* Since I published this I have learned these are not the same officer. The officer running from the crowd was risking his own life to lead the rioters away from the Senate and others. The Officer who died while trying to hold the crowd back outside when they were hit in the head with a fire extinguisher and then beaten to death with American flags. Bot officers were heroes trying to do their jobs. The rest of my statement still stands.

I have family and friends who are Law Enforcement; not in DC but still. I have friends and family who are in the medical field, fire fighters and paramedics. I can’t imagine he didn’t try and call for help. I can’t believe he didn’t try to reach out for another office to come to his aid. While he was doing that, some assholes were posing for pictures and handing out fist bumps. I can’t help but think of my loved ones who hold that same job. The worst part is, I just know that every officer fist bump and detective selfie that was in the Capitol will go to that man’s funeral and tell his widow how sad they are; how it’s a real tragedy what happened, and if only they’d been there. I can only hope that every one of those officers at the very minimum lose their ability to work as police ever again. Ideally, they get to go to jail too. Unfortunately, when this is all said and done, I’m mad because they’ll probably still be cops.

I’m back.

I know for you it’s only been a single space but I had to walk away for a little bit. I have a lot more I can talk about right now, but this is already pretty long and I want to wrap it up.

Here’s a few bullet points.

People keep saying Donald Trump can’t be responsible for this. How was he to know? If this were the first time, I would give it to him. I know this because I did. The first time it happened that someone acted on Trumps words and shot people. I even gave him the benefit of the doubt the second time it happened. It has now occurred so often, including someone sending bombs to people Trump said were enemies of America that I have ask how he could not know this was going to happen. At this point I can’t believe he’s not doing it expecting this outcome.

The Mayor of DC asked for the National Guard and was told no. They were eventually called in, by Pence; not Donald. He was too busy calling the rioters beautiful, special, and loved. The same group that said they were going to do this before the riot have announced their intention to return for the inauguration with more weapons, armor, and numbers than any modern military can hope to stand against. I imagine the Mayor of DC will once again ask for the National Guard, I wonder how it will go this time.

Several members of the public, media, and government have repeatedly told Black Lives Matter that they have been protesting wrong. That kneeling peacefully is the wrong way to protest. Marching peacefully is the wrong way to protest. Holding peaceful sit-ins is the wrong way to protest. These same people have announced the rioters who assaulted the capitol were just doing what they felt was right as Americans. That arming themselves and assaulting the government was the right thing to do. I cannot help but wonder if any of the Black Lives Matter movement won’t take this particular lesson and run with it and at this point, I won’t be surprised and I’m not sure I can blame them for following the example.

On my way home from the store I pass several house who were still flying Trump 2020 flags. Even Tuesday as the assault on the Capitol occurred I saw them flying in yards. Today as I drove home three of those house had removed the signs. I take that as a positive.

I talked about a lot of things I’m mad at. Which is unusual for me. I tend to look for the best in people. I’ve always loved America as long as I can remember, I’ve loved this country and look for the best in it. I know we aren’t perfect. We make mistakes and the thing I’ve always been proud of is how America comes together to try and fix those things. That is something that has always stuck out to me. No matter what, we can always try and make things better.

The problem and the thing I’m most angry about is that I’m not sure I believe that anymore. The one thing that I feel defines us as a country is gone. I don’t know that we’ll get it back, and right now…I don’t want to be proud of America anymore. That’s not true, I want to be proud of America, and I’m just not right now. I’m not even really mad about that. I want to be, but I’m not angry about it. That’s the hardest part, I just realized I’m not even mad. It hurts me down to my soul and is a cliché, I’m not mad…I’m just so goddamned disappointed.

 

We should be better than this.

A Difficult Topic

*Note* This is a rough piece. I considered editing it to make it prettier. I decided to just go with my initial write up because I wanted it to be my pure thoughts and instincts. To that end, I apologize for any disconnect in the words.

I’ve been putting off writing this because I wanted to organize my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to say. The truth of the matter is that I’m still not sure what to say. There are several reasons why I don’t know what to say. Small ones like, I’ve been watching this problem as a straight white guy sitting in the bleachers. I can see it going on, I know it’s a problem, but it’s never really hit me. I’m not even in the splash zone. The closest I’ve ever come is the one time a hotel manager almost didn’t let me and a friend have the room we’d reserved because for a short time he thought we might be gay. But that entire event lasted less than a minute or two.

A big part of the problem for me is that I don’t understand racism and bigotry. I mean, I understand they exist, I understand they’re real. I understand they’re awful. I just don’t understand why anyone would do it. There are tons of reasons you’re going to be angry with people, why you’d pick the color of their skin, the gender they’re attracted to, their religion, or anything that literally only effects them, I just don’t understand.

I follow a lot of internet geek culture and I see rises in anger over properties and events that seem to come from people being upset by any of these things. It’s easy to say, “because the internet,” but I don’t really think it explains anything.

For me my exposure to gaming has always opened my eyes to other people. It least it’s always felt that way. I like reading about other cultures, people, and ideas. I love sitting at the table with someone with a different perspective. So when I see people get mad at the inclusion of these perspectives I don’t understand.

Why does everything have to be me? Why do ALL of the characters have to reflect me? I don’t think they do. It’s nice to have a couple that look like me. Maybe it’s because I’m fat. I always liked being able to create heavy character in character creators to look more like I do. Maybe that’s why I can appreciate when someone else likes to see themselves in games and others don’t have the same reaction.

Something I’ve been thinking about for a while is how angry people in my hobbies get at shows like the Big Bang Theory. They don’t like it because of how it makes geeks and geek culture look. Those guys are caricatures of us. I’ve never met anyone that was that socially incapable of existing. Some of the people I see online who hate that show love Orphan Black for depicting board gaming correctly. They loved various episodes of South Park for its hobby and culture references. I still hear people quote, “How do you kill that what has no life?”

Why there are people who have those reactions and then can’t understand why someone would get excited to see Black Panther, Captain Marvel, or Batwoman. Why they get mad when a woman is chosen as a mascot, or a character is redesigned to appeal to young women is frustrating. To then see these same people take that a step further and be mad about voting, jobs, politics, and so many other things based on race, gender, and sexual attraction is mind boggling to me.

Is the problem that they started small and worked their way up? Is that what it is? Today they’re mad at Black Panther, tomorrow they’ll hate affirmative action, and then they’ll decide all black people are looking for handouts? Are those the steps? Is that it?

I just don’t know.

I’m on the verge of giving up trying to figure out what’s going on. I want people to be better. I want all of us to do better. I look around and I see the riots that are going on right now and I see the riots of the past reflected in them. I see pieces of Ferguson, Charlotte, Boston, and Los Angeles; all of the riots that I remember being covered in the news throughout my life. I’m sure there are more that I’m not remembering. I’m sure there will be more before it’s over.

I see us taking these same steps again and again. I see people in the media making statements about who is to blame, how we’re supposed to protest, and what is and isn’t appropriate. Actually, that’s incorrect. I’ve never seen anyone in the media talk about how people should correctly protest racism. Only how everyway someone does it is wrong.

I’m scared, frustrated, and angry. I’ve been that way for a while now. I want it to stop. I want us to be better. I just don’t know if we ever will be. I don’t know if we’ll ever see peace. Most likely not in my lifetime. Probably not in my nieces.

People are just too angry to move on. We need to get over the racism, hatred, and bigotry. We need to let them go, learn to be better people, and stop hating people because of the color of their skin, religion, gender, and sexual preferences. We need to let people be people without piling a ton of bullshit in their way for being different than us.

We need to do better.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense or means anything to anyone. I’m not sure if this isn’t just me rambling on for nearly two pages and hoping it’s comforting to someone. I think I wrote this to make myself feel better as much as anything else. I do hope that someone who reads this will feel better knowing that at least one more person is on their side.

I’m just not sure if it helped me.

Until next time, be safe and be well.

*Note* As I was getting ready to post this the news and reaction to removing the confederate flag happened. I keep thinking of something my grandmother Dorothy used to say. She was from the south and had a very strong opinion about the confederacy. It was for idiot white people who were convinced that they’d all be sitting on the front porch of their very own plantation sipping mint julips if they just hadn’t lost the civil war. I think my family is a lot of the reason I am the way I am. I love them for that.